There is a culture in America concerning "heart". I am not sure if it is present in other countries in this exact form, but it is most likely slightly in some regard with religious, cultural, or moral ideas. It is the thought that one who tries their best with, or more culturally accurate, better than their best with good intentions, should and shall be rewarded for their efforts and personal determination.
In that statement I disagree with the words; shall, personal determination, and should. It would be a great world if this were true. And it is not a bad thing to live by in a lot of cases as long as one stays within jumping distance of reality. But it goes against my personal philosophy.
If I want to better myself at something, people need to tell me I suck, not that I have heart. Living in the mindset of a bettered image of one's self causes a black hole in the psyche between reality and understanding if the illusion is somehow broken.
Should: If one sucks, what gives them the right to win, to achieve? Is the world fair like this? I would not be myself if I didn't follow what I was good at. I like things because I'm good at them. Things I am not good at or would be good at, I rarely like. Who are these people who like things they suck at? People who grew up with overly encouraging parents, people who plainly suck at everything, people who grew up with people telling them this one thing was "the shiznits" and they have nothing else to strive for, and people who don't know when to quit. Do you respect these people? In theory, yes, they have their dream, they work for it morally and humbly and respectfully...but aren't they also selfish, ignorant, maniac, obsessed, hopeless, helpless, desperate, childish, and painful to watch? Should these people really be doing what they are?
Personal Determination: If I suck at something, I do not want to humiliate myself in front of people obviously trying but failing miserably every time. If it causes pain, don't do it. If you don't feel like it, don't do it. If the only reason, or most of the reason for one's doing something is being praised for how wonderful one is at that thing then there would be no reason whatsoever if their talent was lacking or nonexistent.
Shall: Heart perpetuates the idea that you can succeed if you try. And it is completely untrue. You can try with all your might and still fail. You can give your all and be thoroughly disappointed. You can never give up but still die. You can use all your connections and still get cut. You can do nothing else and screw yourself over. You shan't, you shan't, you shan't.
I don't care if I have heart. I would know if I had heart. Having heart does not define me.
But I am a hypocrite. This slightly goes against another personal philosophy of mine which is: If you believe it, then it is as good as true. And it applies here. As long as you think that you rock then you do.
Afterwards: It was not at the point that I realized I was a hypocrite that my situation subsided. It was when I realized there was no way out of humiliate myself and I had to go through with it and make the best of it. If I was going to be humiliated, I better be looking cool in my mind. And that meant giving it all and making a mental fool of myself. Well, I swore in my friends. If I sucked then I would murder them in their sleep if they did not tell me the truth. Thankfully, I did not have to get my hands into any illegal business (well regarding that anyways) and my friends greeted me with awe and praise at my non-suckage. Was it all in my mind? Was the evidence faulty? Did they lie? Were they too far away to see me looking retarded? Am I hallucinating? Or did my mind in that half self conscious state transform me overnight? Does it matter? No. Because I rock again, and egotism is at an all time high.
One last note: Rudy=bad movie
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