life balance

There are things that are necessary to do, and lives that I have to live. Obligations, requirements, inclinations, and unavoidable necessities that need to be kept in sufficient ratios to keep an enjoyable, prosperous, easy-going, productive and non-neglecting lifestyle.

These:

eating/sleeping
school life/homework
dance team
viola and guitar practice
love life/sex life
socialization with friends
various hobbies (blogging, listening to music)
family activities/interactions and obligations
personal time (plain thinking)

are hard to balance properly within my life. What is my top priority? My second? When choosing between the party of a dear friend and seeing a movie with my family, where is the priority? Lately I have had no time to watch tv (save a little on weekends) when I really do enjoy The Office and House. Frankly, I would rather blog or listen to music or think or waste time chatting with friends. But that's when I really should be doing my homework or making plans with a long-lost friend.

Most debated in my mind is the love life factor. As this overlaps with social life I am known to think that they are interchangeable. They surely are not. Is a love life just an extra thing I should have if everything else in my life is completely taken care of, balanced and secure? Or is it something that will relax, steady and put my life into perspective of what is most important (whether it be the relationship itself or not).

The way I figure it is that I will always have some certain bare minimum of procrastination and personal time that I just cannot live without, so I have to work my life around that, along with sleeping and eating and such.

I think as long as I stay happy and I have OK grades, that I am fine.

historical personification in theory

To get the "big picture" of a wide time time range of historical events, one learns the "most important" things, and tried to make sense of why large groups of people did the things they did "over all".

At what point was it that there was so much history one had the resources to learn of that one was resorted to personifying countries and social classes as individual people? I know it seems kind of redundant to be personifying people, but it's just as one personifies a bug. You guess what they are thinking by their actions, for have no way of knowing their thoughts

Do large groups of people really act as one? Are we referring to the majority of the population of that country or the governmental decisions alone? If it is governmental standings then yes, small numbers of people and wide statements representing a large population can be said to have dialogue. But still, how accurate are we in those examples? Quite a bit of history is inferred and deducted from hazy scriptures, badly translated texts, dug up toenails and word of mouth passed down from prostitute ancestors. I am not debating science. I am just saying; 1) who cares? and 2) aren't we all just people going around doing things? How would you feel if you never mattered in the story of 21st century society in textbooks later on? That no matter how much you went against the majority or the anti-majority, that you would never be remembered as a blood-thirsty absolutist tyrant would be remembered and mentioned in textbooks?

An individual rarely thinks about how an outsider would view the changes in trend and political movement, and how they are either part of the majority or against it. There is the now, and there is the then. The now is the now, and it will always be the now. Hell, even the then is the now for an individual, it's not too often that someone sees the changes they are taking part in as a historical event. Or perhaps the opposite; everyone sees everything going on in the now forevermore important, even though in a 26th century textbook it will be viewed as a bland, peaceful, perhaps even treacherous time that that child will yawn to. It makes me so mad at that futuristic 8th grader. PUT DOWN YOUR VIRTUAL SUN-BATHING GOGGLES AND PUT ON THAT HELMET THAT SHOOTS INFORMATION ABOUT THE 21ST CENTURY INTO YOUR BRAIN!!! Spoiled little brat. But the horrible thing is that I don't wish that I could learn more intensely about past times, because there is no intense information out there for me. Those times are boring in theory as these times are boring in theory.

But I do like the idea of speeding through all of history in such short summary. The idea that I have been everywhere and know what happened even though in reality I would need a time machine and a boat to know is pretty cool...in theory. Sometimes I just really don't care. I mean sure, it's interesting, but there is only so much interest I can have before i get tired of being interested. I want to be confused and angry and pleased and relaxed. I don't want to be constantly trying to know how the hell this or that lead to this thing and how 37 years went by with nothing theoretically important happening.

The very fact that I can get bored means I am not going fast enough and putting in enough personification for it to make sense and be interesting. I like social issues between people. So when countries and social classes are displayed as individual people, I can see why they ended up doing what they did and how they went about doing it.

But this does cause problems. Certain things do not make sense until I have a reality check and remember that these ARE very large groups of people, and that they will act differently than an individual. Things are harder to be kept secret, it isn't as easy to begin and end fights as instantaneously and it isn't as easy to stay in mental stability. If countries were individuals then they would all be bi-polar and crazy and homicidal and suicidal and dominant and submissive at the same time. These would be some very messed up people with some serious issues.

Heh...what if I were a country? Would I play nice with the other countries? Would I share my juice box with them at snack time?

antiquated vernacular

Often I use archaic and obscure language in modern settings to convince people of my respectfulness or sound more sophisticated than the meaning of my words is actually conveying. Some examples of such would be similar to this:

"Over yonder, I presume" as opposed to "Somewher over ther I THINK"

"Excuse me young gentleman, could I trouble you for the time?" in substitution for "Er um, shit forgot my watch! Hey, you, uh what time it be?"

"As do I" instead of "Yeah I know right?"

"Indeed", "How true", or "Indubitably" in place of "Yerp"

The funniest thing is when I mix in one sentence some wannabe ghetto terms or speaking styles with the inaccurate Shakespearean language. It takes some deciphering to comprehend meaning as I am not using usual terms consistently. Even more so when chatting online I can mix these two English language variants with 1337 speak; num83r5 1n p14c3 0f 13773r5, mssng vwls, and acronyms (lol). Taken to the level of pure incomprehension, I am known to throw in a spanish word every now and then to make it even more confusing. This takes superior brain power, and often I get annoyed at even myself for the odd image and character I am creating with the wirting style.

Has your bubble been burst? I am not a perfectionist, overly descriptive, precise or an informative writer. Or am I? I enjoy manipulating language. This can be executed various ways; one of which is to convey the meaning that I have to say, but do it is a long and entertaining way filled with my stream of consciousness on the subject, which you have seen on this blog. Another way to manipulate language is as such being described throughout this post, making people work for your meaning and being as eccentric as possible to make the normal things said be found newfoundly and unnecessarily interesting. (Not to mention the words I just plainly make up, hence newfoundly.)

That will be all. For now muahaha.

update

My newest favorite word is splendid.

strictly geometry

There is a point in someone's life when the details of their private life is beyond the line of decency in normal conversation. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue and internally smile or frown. The conversation becomes shaped around automatic and predictable responses to personable questions rather than further insight into either participant of the conversing or the happenings in their lives, which were the topics currently under speculation from the beginning queries.

I don't complain about being forced to have this objective at times. My angle is to tell the people who want to know and keep select segments of my life under the radar to the people who do not care.

There are certain properties about myself which make it difficult for me to control myself from bragging or venting to people I barely know.

I can get around this by only giving fractions of my private life to each person. And if somehow they all converse on the same topic then they might be able to figure out the entire story, but I doubt they have the mathematical minds to do such a thing.

one who has heart

Preface: Sometimes I wander between self consciousness and egotism. Between confidence and self belittling. I am used to being praised, and when I am insulted I take it hard. Is it jealousy? Meh, I've concluded sometimes it is. But it can't always be. Is it because people hate my personality? I doubt it but it may be true; some people clash, fight and breed awkward and confused silences in comments and understanding. But it is not the words that come from other's mouths that disrupt me deeply and make me question if it is all a lie. It is my own criticism backed up with hard evidence that I suck when I know that I thought I was great and I tried really hard. That's when it is unavoidable.

There is a culture in America concerning "heart". I am not sure if it is present in other countries in this exact form, but it is most likely slightly in some regard with religious, cultural, or moral ideas. It is the thought that one who tries their best with, or more culturally accurate, better than their best with good intentions, should and shall be rewarded for their efforts and personal determination.

In that statement I disagree with the words; shall, personal determination, and should. It would be a great world if this were true. And it is not a bad thing to live by in a lot of cases as long as one stays within jumping distance of reality. But it goes against my personal philosophy.

If I want to better myself at something, people need to tell me I suck, not that I have heart. Living in the mindset of a bettered image of one's self causes a black hole in the psyche between reality and understanding if the illusion is somehow broken.

Should: If one sucks, what gives them the right to win, to achieve? Is the world fair like this? I would not be myself if I didn't follow what I was good at. I like things because I'm good at them. Things I am not good at or would be good at, I rarely like. Who are these people who like things they suck at? People who grew up with overly encouraging parents, people who plainly suck at everything, people who grew up with people telling them this one thing was "the shiznits" and they have nothing else to strive for, and people who don't know when to quit. Do you respect these people? In theory, yes, they have their dream, they work for it morally and humbly and respectfully...but aren't they also selfish, ignorant, maniac, obsessed, hopeless, helpless, desperate, childish, and painful to watch? Should these people really be doing what they are?

Personal Determination: If I suck at something, I do not want to humiliate myself in front of people obviously trying but failing miserably every time. If it causes pain, don't do it. If you don't feel like it, don't do it. If the only reason, or most of the reason for one's doing something is being praised for how wonderful one is at that thing then there would be no reason whatsoever if their talent was lacking or nonexistent.

Shall: Heart perpetuates the idea that you can succeed if you try. And it is completely untrue. You can try with all your might and still fail. You can give your all and be thoroughly disappointed. You can never give up but still die. You can use all your connections and still get cut. You can do nothing else and screw yourself over. You shan't, you shan't, you shan't.

I don't care if I have heart. I would know if I had heart. Having heart does not define me.

But I am a hypocrite. This slightly goes against another personal philosophy of mine which is: If you believe it, then it is as good as true. And it applies here. As long as you think that you rock then you do.

Afterwards: It was not at the point that I realized I was a hypocrite that my situation subsided. It was when I realized there was no way out of humiliate myself and I had to go through with it and make the best of it. If I was going to be humiliated, I better be looking cool in my mind. And that meant giving it all and making a mental fool of myself. Well, I swore in my friends. If I sucked then I would murder them in their sleep if they did not tell me the truth. Thankfully, I did not have to get my hands into any illegal business (well regarding that anyways) and my friends greeted me with awe and praise at my non-suckage. Was it all in my mind? Was the evidence faulty? Did they lie? Were they too far away to see me looking retarded? Am I hallucinating? Or did my mind in that half self conscious state transform me overnight? Does it matter? No. Because I rock again, and egotism is at an all time high.

One last note: Rudy=bad movie

hippie preaching

"Do it or I'll kill you."

Doesn't this phrase, among scare you and shock you...sicken you? Just the thought that human nature could be so much more savage and uncompromising and down to the main point than we are supposed to view it. We are supposed to have faith that humans are above other animals and that we can be above the horrible truth of life...that it's about preventing our personal death.

We still use this technique so much..."Do it or I'll kill you." Or sometimes used "If you do it I'll kill you." We are saying it every time a person holds up a gun. In fact, on a more natural level, we are doing it every time we give a menacing look.

I want to know, am I the only one who gets this feeling? Isn't threatening of death is just a little too real, a little too vital to be threatening all around every day? Bang. Dead. Instant death. It's sickening. I mean granted, when it comes down to it, that may be the only way to get people's attention...but still. I can't stand it. I'm not sure if I've ever been that close to gun. I have seen them on cops that sometimes are security at school dances...but other than that, I am sure I would be very very frightened if I saw one. My parents used to check when I was younger with a friend's parents if they kept a gun in the house before I went over for a play-date. The didn't tell me this until a few years ago, and I was kind of shocked by it. I don't know why I was, maybe because I thought that a gun shouldn't ever come between two little kids running around and playing hungry hungry hippos. But I get it now. Guns kill people. That's their purpose. They kill. And what reason do we have to kill in this suburban place we live? None...it causes more danger than it does protection. The fact that people have a gun demonstrates that they have fear. What's more important is that where the fear is deriving from is death, the theoretical death of themselves and their family, which would inevitably be caused by a gun in the end.

You heard me. I said guns make more guns and perpetuate fear.

But maybe my younger self was right. Just because there is a gun, and people have fear, doesn't mean it will be used. People need placebos and things to set their mind at ease sometimes, is it really making me in danger? Have I crossed into the realm of over-fear? I mean, fearing death is one thing. Fearing guns is another. Fearing being in the far vicinity of one is worse. And as an odd fear, which I should address because I have, is fearing fear. Does this post not portray my fear of fear?

Living with nothing seriously threatening my life every day, I have learned to mostly ignore death. And when the subject of gun control comes up in politics I usually don't know what place to take my stance. But I do know that being held at gunpoint is a thing no one should experience.

We have come to far as a race to keep this simple and main forcefulness in everyday life...it's what is preventing us from moving on. Or maybe it is the only thing letting us move. If people weren't forced, by guns, to move in the same direction as each other politically and socially and technologically, would our technologies and social ideas be more widespread and intricate and developed? Or would they still be waffling around not knowing where to go? Would one person be in the same place that other person was a minute ago and then vice versa a few minutes later? Or are we actually evolving at the same rate, making us progress forward in the same way no matter if anyone is forcing us, by way of guns, to do so? Where would government and war be if we had no guns? (note: This is not about who was killed, even in large amounts, by guns that changed society, but how people have been able to make people do what they say by way of guns which changed society. Just in case you didn't follow what I said. )

I'm not sure if I made the point I wanted to. And I'm not providing any solution to the point you think I attempted to make. And I'm not disagreeing with the 2nd amendment, if that's somehow what you arrived at from the things said. I just dare you to disagree with what it is you found my point to be. I'm just giving my complaints and weirded out feelings and semi-disorganized tangent-like ramblings--something far from what I was originally going to say, but still did want to say at one point.

judaism...and other stuff

I am Jewish. Have been all my life. My family belongs to a Jewish Renewal synagogue. Have you ever read the Wikipedia article of your own religion or group or city? You never think to because you think you already know about it. And you do, but you don't know how to say it simply and in the way an outsider would.

Anyway, it's only been in the recent years that I truly "got into it". Sure, I liked it when I was little, but little kids like everything. Then I went through a phase of being too cool for it, then I just dreaded doing any kind of religious service. Then I questioned the entire idea of God so much that I felt weird and uncomfortable or just so blase about reciting prayers and going to services that I didn't really define myself as Jewish. Then, I felt this pride, this obligation, this calling that it was important even if I didn't believe everything that was said. Especially with the sect, it does not matter that much if I don't truly believe if what the Torah says actually happened, or if when I say the blessing for chalah in Hebrew I actually believe that God is the ruler of the universe. It's all subjective and I can think what I want to think.

In the past few years, once I had almost all of the chants and prayers learned through reading peoples lips when they sang and hearing them over and over again (I never was very good at reading Hebrew) I started seeing the meaning, the objective, the joy and sorrow in them.

Then I started to respect the religion. And when I go out of my way to remark that I respect something or someone, I really do. And when you respect something, sooner or later you will start agreeing with it on some level, even if you did not when you began respecting it.

Then, I started enjoying it, of all things. Before, when I was "too cool" for it, I was just trying my hardest not to look like I was enjoying myself. That was suppressed into resentment at the time. But when I realized there was no point doing that, I began having fun. To see a group of people singing and dancing and rejoicing is quite the experience, especially when it is to a song you have been hearing frequently since you were a few weeks old. The religion is part of me, without it I would still be me but, how did I get here? I was introduced to philosophical ideas in Sunday school and I'm sure it has given me the mind I have today. I owe a lot more to the religion than I think I do sometimes.

Now, I see meaning. I look past the songs, joyful or sorrowful. I look past the stories, but do take them into account. When the rabbi tells us to close our eyes and pray or think, I do it. I do it longer than my mother does. I listen to what is being said. I analyze it and relate it to my life. I figure it's as good if not better than any other source of philosophical questioning and answers. And what is more is that what is being said I understand. I get it. And it makes sense.

I love religion that not only allows but encourages you to make your own judgment, and set your own morals and reasons. Judaism gives just enough enforcement for it to all come together in your mind with perfect ease.

I still have not have had a batmizvah, a right of passage in Judaism. I wanted to, and my brother had a barmitzvah, but my mom never made as much an initiative to make me. Maybe it's because I was supposed to make more of an attempt to do this, seeing as how it's a ceremony of me becoming an adult. But my brother didn't even want to have one, and she forced him to. Is this why? Because he didn't want to therefore she thinks I don't want to? I want to have one, I always said that. Maybe it's because she thought she needed to do it for him because he didn't like the religion as much as I did, so she knew I would continue even without it. Mainly, at the exact time, it was because we were low on money. But why do it for him and not me? I think it's one of the things I resent her for. It was held over my head by my brother for awhile and it is still held by myself. Every time I go to synagogue I remember because I do not have a talit. And everyone in our congregation gets confused because I have not yet had one, and yet I look quite older than 12. -_- That is embarrassing. It's a different kind of humiliation because they are more understanding and warm and friendly than most people are, but I am still embarrassed because they expect things of me and I expect things of myself which were not achieved.

I will have one eventually. Maybe I should make that my summer goal. I'll consider it.

Anyway, why was I saying all this? Oh yes, I wanted to talk about the High Holidays but figured I should give some background information on why it is relevant and important.

It's High Holidays!! Yay! Rosh Hashana occurred last Tuesday and Wednesday and I took the first day off from school to attend service. The Jewish new year has been my favorite holiday for a few years now, ever since that one where I actually felt cleansed, happy, spiritual after going to service. Rosh Hashana is all about thinking about the things you did wrong the past year, letting them go, and making your goals for the next year. Honestly, I didn't quite make it to philosophical and mental cleanliness or peace this year, but it made me think. And it gave me a reason to analyze what I do wrong and how I can avoid conflict with others and with myself by adapting my behavior and mindset.

WARNING TANGENT ALERT: Mindset is everything. It's one of the words I truly believe in. And it seems an odd word to decide to believe in because it is so theoretical and changing in circumstance and only relevant to one who explores their psyche. There's no way to prove it exists. But, I see it as more real than say, the word chair. A chair is only seen and processed by the mind. And depending on your mindset it may look like a chair or something completely different, right? So, why not go straight to the source and believe in the word that analyzing the very thing you are saying in the first place?!
TANGENT ENDED: RESUME FOCUS

I still have a bit of time before I can announce the spiritual awakening amount of the High Holidays this year a failure or not. This Friday, which I shall also take off from school (take that AP European History test) is Yom Kippur. I will fast all day. I kind of see this holiday as: "If Judaism didn't get to you the nice way with sweet apples and honey, it's damn as hell gonna when we starve you!" Well, it isn't as hostile as that but, you get the idea. It's my second chance. I don't think I was "in the zone" as much as I should have been last Tuesday. I was more focused on ridding my faults of the past week, as they were a little high in multitude than normal, rather than thinking about the entire year and all my tendencies.

But, Rosh Hashana was a good experience. A few weeks before service I got a call from the congregation requesting, well more like telling me, that I do "something" for the children's service. Every once in awhile they ask something on a teen to do something or another. Last year I "did" the food drive. Really all I did was make an announcement and stable some fliers to paper bags, but everyone was very thanking and complimentary. I felt a little guilty because I made sure I only had to do the minimum of work. Hey, organizers can pon off work and get the most credit. But it's also the most stressful. You aren't a worker bee, you're the queen. If you stop doing your job then the hive falls into pieces and the bear steals the honey. Alright i honestly did not mean to take that analogy so far, I deeply apologize!

Anyway, I waited until the night before (when all great ideas arise) to figure out what to do for the children's service. Being the good Jewish girl I am, I googled "Rosh Hashana songs" and picked one I recognized; the more mopey version of B'shana Haba'ah. I youtubed the song and picked out the notes on my viola. I kept the note names in notepad and when my mom came home she helped me with a passage she thought "sounded different". Now, she isn't the most on-key singer, so it took me awhile to figure out what she meant by "higher on the second note" or "di, di, di", but she knows this song well and she has an ear, so I took her word for it and tried my best. I ended up realizing I completely overlooked the key I was in, which would have helped me out in knowing what note was wrong, and felt really stupid when it was an Ab/G# all along. She was right, it was not the right melody, and I thank her for helping me with that. It was fun, as it is when we talk about the word choice in an essay I am turing in. When she is singing a song she does sing the notes correctly, but it's not as if she's a musical genius and could tell me how exactly something is off, sing happy birthday in the same key I start with or compose music, but she was as good of a help as anyone else would have been, save a musical genius.

SIDE NOTE: The notes were never "wrong". It's just that I play viola, so I am used to hearing the harmony predominantly over the melody. But seeing as how I was going to play solo, it was necessary to have the melody so that people would recognize, enjoy and understand what I was playing.

In the actual performance in front of about 15 children and their parents, a woman, who was my Sunday school teacher when I was very young, sang the translated chorus along with me and encouraged the young ones to also sing. "You will see, you will see, how good the year will be." I played OK. I should have done it a little slower to start off, because I got a little tripped up from my own letter notation of notes on notebook paper, but it was good enough. I saw a lot of awe in the kid's eyes when I finished, and it pleased me. Not to mention the endless thanks from parents and congregation members when they heard me preform or heard that I did preform.

SIDE NOTE: A lot of times I act surprised or modest when receiving thanks or getting praise. "You did such a wonderful job." "*slightly confused look* oh! oh um, thank you, the pleasure was all mine." Even if I am expecting it or would be disappointed if I did not get any, I still act that way. Why is that? I mean granted I do get it in unnecessary excess at times, but, who's to say I don't thoroughly enjoy it even so?

More to come on other things later in life...most likely later today.

word

I have come to learn that most words people use I don't think are real. This is because of various reasons.

Sometimes it just strikes me that a word...is funny. It's just random sounds. And although I know the intended meaning, I can't seem to get over the fact that it doesn't seem like the words around it. I get a reality check on what language is--various sounds understood widely to convey meaning. It creeps me out to feel that what we depend on as a society to communicate and function is completely fabricated and so borderline to nonsense. It's as if I am that close to being completely useless and helpless in this society, if only I had the barrier between my thoughts and language or between sounds and processing. How much of our brain is really accomplishing this? It can't be much. Perhaps this is a factor of autism.

Sometimes I just don't...get a word. "How could that, of all things, be a word? Why is it even in our language?"

A lot of times I just don't believe in a word. Not morally, not physically, not conceptually (I don't even know the exact definition of this word, but I am SURE it fits here), not socially. I just don't think it should ever be used. And I think that the world is better off without it and I decide not to believe in it. If someone says it, then I remark to myself, "Pffft! That's not a word!" And these aren't cuss words, if that was the line of thinking you were following, a lot of times those fit more into the first category. These are words like "unique". It's so overused, misused and unjustifiably used that it has been thrown out of my vocabulary. I refuse to say it (this would be the one exception.)

Words...what a joke. I laugh in the face of words. Come to think of it, words don't even have faces. They are such cowards that they can't even look me in the eye and tell me what they mean and why they are here and if they are necessary. Words are a figment of our imagination, get real!

The telekinetic communication age will be much more efficient and less confusing.

lies! they're all lies!

Lies.

Is it really that bad to lie?

What constitutes a lie anyhow? If I asked a question and one did not answer, would it still be a lie? You did not tell me the truth, is it therefore a lie? Is a lie knowing the answer and not saying it? Is it called a lie if you only say partial truth and don't specify on the rest well knowing?

A person who is completely silent can be a liar, can they not?

Does it depend on the guilt one has? It can't be that, for what if a compulsive liar feels no guilt for their lie? Is it still not a lie? Maybe it's, from a normal standpoint, the amount of guilt a moral person would have for this lie under the circumstances and knowledge had when the "lie" was made. (For instance, if I as a child had said that I liked marshmallow peeps, but later on despised them, it would not be a lie, only a misconception.) But that is nearly impossible to gauge.

Should an ignorant person be chastised for lies when they are only overconfident and know no better? If they should be then the human race is a group of horrible compulsive liars. Is there even any religious group who specifically recognizes lying as a sin? I'm not sure, someone help me out with your worldly knowledge.

Personally, I think I have cut down on lying. I do not see reason on most occasions to lie. I think I rarely just "lie for the heck of it". Who lies like that? Weirdos that's who. If I lie, it's to keep myself out of trouble (trouble caused by myself or trouble directed towards myself.) Sometimes I lie to myself. That one is kind tricky, but it can be done. Sometimes I lie to help out a friend in defense to or from authority or peers. Sometimes I lie for my own major convenience in relation to the other side's nonexistent inconvenience. ("Did you turn in your paperwork to the office?" "Yes.") I lie in the sense that sometimes I do not tell the whole truth to people I am talking to when they think I am spilling my guts to them. So, said in this way it sounds like I lie a lot. But the thing is that I do not consider them lies. I consider them living. What is life if you only state true facts and few opinions? All opinions are lies in some way, how could they be true if only so many people agree? How is "truth" defined anyway? Is there a truth fairy? (lol I'm sure it's been done don't praise me) I rarely ever state facts frankly, everything that spews out of my mouth is rhetorical or theoretical questions and opinions.

So yes, I am a compulsive liar. And I love it. Do I feel pride? guilt? Yes, yes.

why i don't capitalize titles

Titles already have enough emphasis put upon them. First of all, they are the first thing that is seen in the piece of work, appearing first, and on top. Second of all, on a blog such as this they are appeared bigger and in a more visually interesting color. Third of all, I do not want to be too forceful in anything said in a title for it is not a separate point that is being made, especially in a longer post or work. It is only restating the most interesting or hilarious phrase or it is summarizing the entirety of the work with different word choice than the work itself. Fourth of all, I want to be weird and modern and slightly informal and eccentric. And I want to have a trend and stick with it. So unless I want to go back and change all of these titles, the deed is done and there's no changing it! If you can't fault or beat your own system then continue taking part in it.

The only part I disagree with myself on is the fact that I do not capitalize the word "I" in titles. It bugs me, but I know that it would bug me more if I left it the only word capitalized around all those lower-case letters. It would make me want to capitalize the first, and then the entire system would be screwed!

As an added bonus, if I put a title in all caps then you will KNOW I mean business. If you did not know that, then I am warning you now...capitalization means important stuff in title land.

I am rambling...but some things just must be addressed! No, no, I know I've become a fanatic blogger it part. No need to tell me I swear! I only want to live and ramble! If you want to avoid my rambling then never ever read the last paragraph of my posts! (They are almost always rambling about something or an attempt at a bad joke or completely unrelated anyway.) Look at me, I'm rambling about rambling. That's most likely why I feel inclined to keep on doing so, it seems such a waste to stop now. And the more I mention it within the text the more ridiculous it becomes! Oh dear now I'll never stop! Oh look I just did. Oh wait, I'm still going. Wait no I'm running out of steam...yes...right about....now. Dammit...now.

Somehow, other people think that upper-case letters are more neutral than lower-case. It makes no sense. Lower-cases are must more common in writing that upper-cases. Do they use upper-case more often because of this? The few makes it more important? Supply and Demand? What are we talking here? This does not apply in this context! Scrabble tiles, alphabet soup, letter of the day on sesame street show the capitalized version first, the was my English teacher writes on the whiteboard, it's all capitals all the time. OOH LOOK! LOOK HOW OBNOXIOUS AND BIG I AM! LOOK AT HOW MY INNER MONOLOGUE IS SCREAMING. EVERYTHING I DO IS IMPORTANT SO I'LL JUST WRITE EVERYTHING CAPITALIZED. CAPS LOCK IS MY FIANCE. I TAPED THAT BUTTON DOWN.

Get a life, people. Put your titles in lower case, it will make the world a better place. =)

poetic mindset

Inner monologue the other day: "An empty blue hallway. Six blue doors open simultaneously, and out they come. The people are going to their jobs, in their clothes. The dead cat on the sidewalk is trampled by their incoming shoes. Lights come into sight over the top of the hill, and through mist a roaring mass appears. The bus is desolate. The driver still yet announces location. Ambition and purpose, meaning and attempt is no longer relevant. It's just them, on their bus, going to their job, in their clothes."

I know what you're thinking, I must have been depressed when I was on the bus. I don't think so though, I was just being cynical and entertaining myself with what I saw in an internally verbally descriptive way.

delayed interpretation

There are some things that you do not question. There are some things you have gotten so accustomed to from your entire life that are so familiar that even if they are not entirely understood, you're never shocked by them. The Star Spangled Banner is one of those things. I don't think I ever have tried to understand why they are saying the things that they are in the song, but I have now. I don't know why I began thinking about it, but I did.

"Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"

I never really saw the true patriotism in the lyrics. I never saw the pride and the happiness the author must have had. The last line is truly poetic. The image of a giant flag waving over the entire country, land of the free and home of the brave, is so inspiring and fantastical.

I've had pride in my school before, sometimes even my city, but never for my country. And I'm not saying I do now, but how could one not have any shred of patriotism for their country? On some level, even if I know the entire world hates the United States and that we are in an unjustified war and our economy is plummeting to the unfathomable deep, I see the aim when the country started, and I respect it. There are a lot of things and people I completely disagree with, but do honestly respect. And I think the emphasis on war in the Star Spangled Banner is a little unsettling in theory, but puts such a nice spin and view of it that it's OK.

At the minimum, I respect the author.

It's kind of a shame how lackadaisical so many Americans, including myself, are about their country. Sure, we may have good reason, or maybe it is influenced by the fact that so many of us are only 1st or 2nd generation Americans, but is it not righteous to root for your team even though it is a cheating, obese, oil guzzling team? Although the fact that so many different cultures are able to come together in "peace" and "harmony" is what emphasizes so much pride in our "free" country.

At the most, I love my country.

self explanitory long sentence

Because of the restricting and concise essay format that my English teacher is insisting on, my only option is to manipulate my writing style to adhere to long, complicated sentences in order to fit all the ideas into my essay that I want to, and which he insists on receiving if he so will give me a good grade.

I feel like Charles Dickens with all these commas and semicolons and m dashes. For I must only have two "commentary sentences" proceeding a "concrete detail". And to do this I must dehydrate my wording which kills my writing style and "voice"! (Which English teachers go on and on and on about.) Also, I have much more than two ideas connected to each "concrete detail" because I am just deep and amazing in that way!

So how do I tolerate this format? I cram as much as I can into English language and be so annoyingly concise and deep and sickeningly detailed and never-endingly descriptive that he'll BEG me to use more sentences for the following essay! It'll work right? Or will I just become so adapted to the style that I take it up permanently? *shivers* Please tell me if I start doing this!!!

I may post it here when I finish, which shall be quite soon. I think it's turning out pretty well considering the circumstances.

this is my friend "im"

im does not know how to use apostrophes.

Nor can he ever capitalize anything correctly.

im is friends with lots of people who use Myspace and chat and comment on Youtube videos. im doesn't like it when people use correct punctuation, grammar and spelling because it makes im feel like he is stupid.

The trolls don't like im. And im does not like the trolls.

This is im, I'd like you to meet him.