9 years ago

I hope my inner child does not resent me for this. I am about to reveal her inner most thinking and beliefs to the world, and she has no power for it is in the hands of her very different, older self. I have talked of my younger self before. But that was interpretation of something I showed to my parents, not something which I kept hidden and secret.

When I was 6 years old, apparently I kept a diary. Not every day, but I have quite a few entries. After quite a bit of deciphering of childish handwriting and sentence structure I have gotten to a pretty good understanding of what I meant by everything I wrote. Not necessarily why or how, but in most cases what. I do not really feel like scanning them and letting you decipher it for yourself, so I will give you my best translation. Things unsure of in translation in brackets, while present-day comments are in the pretty color.

December 14, 1999

When the birds go
flying, you go to bed
and when they go
sometimes you go to
mountain.

This is interesting. It's like I have a weird misconception about how things effect each other. I would assume that "when the birds go flying" I would be awake, the birds signifying morning, but not according to this. Was I reflecting on how I never seem to see the birds? Do the birds represent something?...or are they just birds?

December 15, 1999

Jon's house is up.
They helped us.
The secret part [is to go]
up and up to get there.
There is Jon's house.
Where I love to play.

I really like this one. Obviously, I have a playmate named Jon, and his parents helped my mother find their house via phone directions. This was my simplistic view of directions...."up". I love it so much.

January 13, 2000

Animals are wild.
"Very wild"
"Daddy, why are animals wild?"
"Because they are born that way."

Apparently this is a conversation with my dad. I am not sure who was saying the first dialogue, maybe my dad. I should ask him to see if he recalls telling me this.

January 17, 2000

On a day like this
I'll be having a picnic
On a day like this
(there are more verses in this song)

I am pleasantly surprised to see that I wrote songs way back when, I wish I recalled or notated the melody. But ignoring that aspect, I really like the word choice. It not just "today I will" or "yesterday I did" or "someday i should", it's on a day like it. Maybe not today or tomorrow or any day in conceptual knowledge or realistic speculation, just some day, like this.

January 18, 2000

This poem is called When I go to school

When I go to school,
everything feels so different
because school gets harder every way.
It is fun for me.
Is it fun for you?

This is a little discombobulated and not much of a poem, but it really shows what I thought about "when I went to school". I admire that in a title of a poem.

January 19, 2000

This poem is called When I go to bed

When I go to bed,
I hope to dream
A [?] if I do
Because I love my dreams.

Again this "When I ___" formula of a poem. It's quite interesting and matter-of-fact. I am glad that I hoped to dream, and I wish I knew what that word I could not decipher said.

January 21, 2000

A family's a brother,
a father, a mother,
a sister, a grandma,
a grandpa and
everyone in your family.

Although I did not have a sister, I still included it in the definition of family, so I was more than saying "this is who is in my family", or "you only have a full family in you have these people", I was saying that if you have some of these people, you have a family. The perspective is still in child-form of course, no daughter or son or granddaughter or grandson or niece or nephew in the list, but that is expected.

January 31, 2000

Laughter, ho, ho, ho
One day I was drinking some milk and my brother made a funny sound and it came out of my nose.

This was my idea of funny...and it kind of is. When finally I understood what I wrote here I actually did still laugh.

April 10, 2000

Today we got to go to Hebrew school.

May 22, 2000

It is time to go to Hebrew school. I do not have a class but my brother does. He knows how to write Hebrew and read Hebrew. It is cool. Well, I do [think that], but my mom and brother do not.

June 16, 2000

A song I made up.

Baby fly into my heart.
Take it out, put it in your hat.
Put the hat on, feel the [?]
You should see me go bad.
All right now, all right now,
I don't know the way to my heart
but you do [a-huh?]
The end.

It seems very Edgar Allan Poe crossed with Britney Spears. And cute how I end with "the end".

June 16, 2000

This is a poem

Summer is coming
The sun in near
Take out your hats
And they'll be blown away.
See the sun shining in the earth.
Will we feel it's heat here next year?
The end.

June 24, 2000

Today I went ice skating. I glided until I landed on my bottom. It was cool. I cried 1 time. I fell on my bottom 7 times--well, around 7 times. I love to skate. [It is] my favorite [thing to do].
The end.

June 30, 2000

The world

Is it good or
is it bad?
The little seed in
the earth.
How does it get to me
When I am not earth?
The end.

A profound one... I would love your interpretation.

July 7, 2000

Parents are so great. They kept us safe through the years and gave us joy. I'll love it through 7, 12, 2073 and all the days.
The end.

Now, was I prophetically telling the date of my death at 79 years of age or was I just making up a random, arbitrary, far away number to signify a very long time comparable to forever?

Some of them are moving in their simplistic nature. Some of them make no sense and others are so true to someone of that age it is hilarious. I hope you enjoyed the window into my younger self's life, for this is the only way I have to accurately show it to you or to myself. These are not hazy memories, they are explicit ideas directly from my brain then to my brain now, and they are simply fascinating.

voices

I'm not hearing them, if that's what you assumed. I just want to speak on their behalf. Even though voices are the most outspoken of anything, they never speak for themselves (concerning their own existence.)

Over all, voices are quite an amazing thing. It's one of the many things that humans have trained themselves to identify slight differences in to discriminate one human from another. When I call the homes of my friends, I can usually (if I have called them at least once before) tell whether it is them or one of their family members who has answered by the tone and timber of their "Hello?". This is nothing amazing, most people have this capability, but I'm saying that even though I am good at it, I barely understand it and I find it amazing. I also find it amazing that with the slight change in someones tones or pauses that you can tell how they are feeling or if they are crying over the phone.

The Annoying Ones: In normal life and conversation, I usually hold nothing against people who talk oddly or annoyingly or immaturely. If their mouths are incapable of making certain sounds in the language for any reason, I can't blame them for that, and it usually adds to their character without much discrimination. If anything, it is viewed as a charming or endearing oddity.

But in performance, especially in performance where one's voice is a prominent attribute as it is in singing, acting, and professional speaking, a speech impediment or distraction is heavily annoying and confusing. Is this character supposed to have this impediment? Are they talking in this voice to make a point? How can they act so serious with such a hilarious voice? Why are they flaunting their voice when they obviously cannot speak without sounding like a baby? Why is THIS, of all things, their profession? Did they only get into this business because of their physical appearance? There is no way that their talent outweighs the disadvantage they have over every other person trying to make it in this business. And you may think I am being mean, but I am able to focus on the art people are giving me if I am not distracted by their voice and how they became popular and how disappointed they will be when no one can stand them anymore.

It is true that you could apply my third paragraph to argue my fourth paragraph. As interesting and differing voices add possible likability to people in sociable situations, so it may also in pop culture figures by increasing recognizability and relating to "normal people". How else do you think Fantasia won the third season of American Idol or that girl at my school manages to score a role in every play when she talks like a very proud 6 year old? I would be giving you my impression right now if you could hear me -_-

The Pleasant Ones: Every so often, I hear someone's voice and I decide that it is pleasant, that I would enjoy listening to their voice, even if it were saying nonsense or things I disagreed with. It is not whiny or inexpressive, not overly dominant or overriding in minuscule factors, not a monotone dribble with a nasally aftertaste or hinted with odd inflections and irregular pauses. IT isn't laced with annoyed sarcasm but has a charming wit and matter-of-factness that one would find in an old-timey movie. It is smooth and it appeals to me in some way, and puts the image of a good looking man or woman in my mind. Whether or not this be true to the actual speaker, the pleasant voice is still a very impressive attribute to any person.

erratic vs. direct dialogue

I have always been a person that wanted to look composed when presenting ideas. Whether it be in confrontations or conversations, in presentations or questions, in opinions or facts. Even if I'm making things up or not making sense, I want to understand what I am saying, why I have said it and what it means and how it will effect the future. I want to use the best possible words to tell people the information in the most feeling-aware, concise and logical manner.

I have anxiety sometimes about asking favors or questions of complete strangers for fear of wasting their time, frightening them, annoying them or making them feel bad that they do not know how to assist me. When asking directions or the time or what isle the toilet paper spindles are in, I don't want to look like an idiot and I don't want for it to take longer than is required.

When I speak from my brain, without any thought preceding on what it is I am going to say, sometimes I say very obvious, hilarious, unreasonable or consequential things. When my voice is ahead or going simultaneously with my thoughts then I am speaking directly what I am thinking and I cannot control what I say. This is scary. To do this I have to know that I do not have any feelings that would be of offence to the person I am speaking to, for they may come out involuntarily. And I have to completely trust them.

Sometimes it is necessary to speak this way because I could not say these things under the decisions from precedents or conclusive thought. I have always come to some kind of conclusion to guide my words and actions for my current life situation. There is a mental barrier not allowing me to look like an idiot or screw myself over. And if something goes astray that is not included in my plans then I either have to think quickly or speak with my thoughts. If the situation is pressing and I still don't know what is the best action to take in strategy, then I just talk; and I may end up saying things that I underestimated or didn't even know existed in my subconscious.

This is why I encourage inner monologue or even better, monologue or asides to help individuals sort out problems (see poll to right). With only "thinking" you are basing so much of your proceeding actions and decisions on feelings. Feelings that are usually illogical or pertaining to something completely wrong or unrelated to the idea at question.

To say things directing from your thoughts or "heart" you have to have a deep respect and trust of your own subconscious. And honestly, I don't trust it. I don't think that I can go along in life being the same as everyone else, going along as life comes and goes or takes and gives. I cannot do things as if they will all work out in the end and as if my feelings are either infinitely important or completely insignificant. I am better than that and I have the sense to trust my myself only until my frontal lobes catch up with it. Let me explain...

You see, there is who I am, and there is who I am. Let's rephrase that: there is who I would be even if I had met different people or had a different life or grew up on a deserted island, and there is who I have chosen to define myself as and what morals to follow based on the society I live in and what I admire in others. If I speak from my heart then I am subjecting the world to what I do not even know about myself, part or all of the person who would remain the same. Things that could be controversial or ill-spoken. Things that would hurt my friends or give me a bad reputation. Things that I never wanted to admit though they were thought, or even worse, things that my subconscious never wanted to admit. Things that I feel so guilty or distressed or traumatized or fearful about that I do not address, even to myself. How can I let myself be so transparent, so vulnerable, so open and honest that I am telling more to another than to myself?

I trust myself more than I do other people, but maybe I'm just lazy. I don't want to deal with my own problems or make more of a deal of them than they are. I don't want to seem screwed up to my friends or make them feel like I ask too much of them. I mean I don't actually need someone to tell things to, I can do that myself. And I don't need their advice, I do that fine myself also. It's not as if I have so many ideas that I cannot choose between one thing and another, I am quite decisive. I just want to seem as if I know what is going on. Composed, intelligent, wise. Even if I am not this way, I want to believe that I am to myself and to others, it's part of who I am. I don't want to be living life as everyone else is; changing my mind, looking like an idiot, causing personal distress.

Who knows, maybe I just like feeling vulnerable. Maybe it contrasts with my usual role as the more informed, advice giving, compassionate friend, and I find it interesting and exciting. Maybe it's a test that I did not even conceptually construct to see who really cares about me and who will give me the best consolation. Maybe I just like feeling like the baby, the little one, the trusting one, the dependent and expecting one in a relationship. And if I am not in a position to usually act like this then I have to regress sometimes and make myself feel like I am controlled, cared for, and protected.

In conclusion, I feel that what I say, at most times, should be a conclusion or a question with conclusive properties. All conversations include stream of consciousness, but when a conversation is in an emotionally insecure state, I need to either be in control of my feelings and my responses, or be with someone that I completely trust and respect.

one of my best poems

True Happiness

admire the simplicity of life
and weep of it's complexity.
mother the world
with your watchful eye.
take the world in
with deep breaths.
calmly fix your mistakes.
allow your frowns
form to smiles.

2 non-words

Sometimes in this blog I have been inclined to use a word that did not exist. For clarification, if you noticed them, they really do not exist.

manipulatism (noun): the practice and philosophy of being manipulative

newfoundly (adverb): in the nature of being newly discovered

But aren't they great? =D

obama

Is it redundant for me to say? Does anyone not know what this day is and what America has accomplished in the advancement of political leadership? Barack Obama has won the United States' presidential election. *screams and shouts of excitement and celebration coming from yonder* So what does this mean? It means he beat the other guy!

My first political memory is this day 8 years ago, the announcement on TV that George W. Bush would be our next president. I remember my dad using some foul-ish language even in tame mode for the 7 yr. old in the room with him, and I didn't really understand. "It's not that bad, is it? How bad could it be? Why do you care so much?" were the things I was saying and thinking. Kind of ironic isn't it? My brother at the age of 10, I'm sure understood the situation better, but he wasn't foaming at the mouth. My entire political memory is the Bush administration. And because of this, I think that my generation does not know how much better a democratic executive branch would be, and does not take this factor into account when choosing their party and representatives. So many of my friends just recently of voting age did not even register. A week before, I asked if they were voting, and some replied "oh shit!". Some just said that they didn't know who they would vote for so why bother? And others didn't care, they would rather go to a movie with their girlfriend of 3 days and slobber all over her than take a little time to fill out an absentee ballot. My dad says that "things just start working better" under a democratic president and legislature. I don't doubt it, but there is definitely a bumpy road ahead to change and fix what has occurred. I'm sure most of us can agree with most of this.

And for my Canadian friends, I'm sure we will be playing nicer with the other kids in the sandbox. Who knows? Maybe we'll trade juice boxes at lunch with you and you can teach me how to play doctor the way you do. Maybe me and that Mexico girl will have a better agreement about the wall between our forts at playtime. You can explain to me why you have two mommies and together we will go out in the sun during recess instead of sitting in the corner digging holes like we used to. We'll make a great friendship, Canada.

slight monocle obsession

In commemoration of día de los muertos, my Spanish class required us to decorated skull cookies today.

I realize now that the mouth is completely misplaced for being a skull shape, as well as the eyes should have been lower.