I have always been a person that wanted to look composed when presenting ideas. Whether it be in confrontations or conversations, in presentations or questions, in opinions or facts. Even if I'm making things up or not making sense, I want to understand what I am saying, why I have said it and what it means and how it will effect the future. I want to use the best possible words to tell people the information in the most feeling-aware, concise and logical manner.I have anxiety sometimes about asking favors or questions of complete strangers for fear of wasting their time, frightening them, annoying them or making them feel bad that they do not know how to assist me. When asking directions or the time or what isle the toilet paper spindles are in, I don't want to look like an idiot and I don't want for it to take longer than is required.
When I speak from my brain, without any thought preceding on what it is I am going to say, sometimes I say very obvious, hilarious, unreasonable or consequential things. When my voice is ahead or going simultaneously with my thoughts then I am speaking directly what I am thinking and I cannot control what I say. This is scary. To do this I have to know that I do not have any feelings that would be of offence to the person I am speaking to, for they may come out involuntarily. And I have to completely trust them.
Sometimes it is necessary to speak this way because I could not say these things under the decisions from precedents or conclusive thought. I have always come to some kind of conclusion to guide my words and actions for my current life situation. There is a mental barrier not allowing me to look like an idiot or screw myself over. And if something goes astray that is not included in my plans then I either have to think quickly or speak with my thoughts. If the situation is pressing and I still don't know what is the best action to take in strategy, then I just talk; and I may end up saying things that I underestimated or didn't even know existed in my subconscious.
This is why I encourage inner monologue or even better, monologue or asides to help individuals sort out problems (see poll to right). With only "thinking" you are basing so much of your proceeding actions and decisions on feelings. Feelings that are usually illogical or pertaining to something completely wrong or unrelated to the idea at question.
To say things directing from your thoughts or "heart" you have to have a deep respect and trust of your own subconscious. And honestly, I don't trust it. I don't think that I can go along in life being the same as everyone else, going along as life comes and goes or takes and gives. I cannot do things as if they will all work out in the end and as if my feelings are either infinitely important or completely insignificant. I am better than that and I have the sense to trust my myself only until my frontal lobes catch up with it. Let me explain...
You see, there is who I am, and there is who I am. Let's rephrase that: there is who I would be even if I had met different people or had a different life or grew up on a deserted island, and there is who I have chosen to define myself as and what morals to follow based on the society I live in and what I admire in others. If I speak from my heart then I am subjecting the world to what I do not even know about myself, part or all of the person who would remain the same. Things that could be controversial or ill-spoken. Things that would hurt my friends or give me a bad reputation. Things that I never wanted to admit though they were thought, or even worse, things that my subconscious never wanted to admit. Things that I feel so guilty or distressed or traumatized or fearful about that I do not address, even to myself. How can I let myself be so transparent, so vulnerable, so open and honest that I am telling more to another than to myself?
I trust myself more than I do other people, but maybe I'm just lazy. I don't want to deal with my own problems or make more of a deal of them than they are. I don't want to seem screwed up to my friends or make them feel like I ask too much of them. I mean I don't actually need someone to tell things to, I can do that myself. And I don't need their advice, I do that fine myself also. It's not as if I have so many ideas that I cannot choose between one thing and another, I am quite decisive. I just want to seem as if I know what is going on. Composed, intelligent, wise. Even if I am not this way, I want to believe that I am to myself and to others, it's part of who I am. I don't want to be living life as everyone else is; changing my mind, looking like an idiot, causing personal distress.
Who knows, maybe I just like feeling vulnerable. Maybe it contrasts with my usual role as the more informed, advice giving, compassionate friend, and I find it interesting and exciting. Maybe it's a test that I did not even conceptually construct to see who really cares about me and who will give me the best consolation. Maybe I just like feeling like the baby, the little one, the trusting one, the dependent and expecting one in a relationship. And if I am not in a position to usually act like this then I have to regress sometimes and make myself feel like I am controlled, cared for, and protected.
In conclusion, I feel that what I say, at most times, should be a conclusion or a question with conclusive properties. All conversations include stream of consciousness, but when a conversation is in an emotionally insecure state, I need to either be in control of my feelings and my responses, or be with someone that I completely trust and respect.
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