judaism...and other stuff

I am Jewish. Have been all my life. My family belongs to a Jewish Renewal synagogue. Have you ever read the Wikipedia article of your own religion or group or city? You never think to because you think you already know about it. And you do, but you don't know how to say it simply and in the way an outsider would.

Anyway, it's only been in the recent years that I truly "got into it". Sure, I liked it when I was little, but little kids like everything. Then I went through a phase of being too cool for it, then I just dreaded doing any kind of religious service. Then I questioned the entire idea of God so much that I felt weird and uncomfortable or just so blase about reciting prayers and going to services that I didn't really define myself as Jewish. Then, I felt this pride, this obligation, this calling that it was important even if I didn't believe everything that was said. Especially with the sect, it does not matter that much if I don't truly believe if what the Torah says actually happened, or if when I say the blessing for chalah in Hebrew I actually believe that God is the ruler of the universe. It's all subjective and I can think what I want to think.

In the past few years, once I had almost all of the chants and prayers learned through reading peoples lips when they sang and hearing them over and over again (I never was very good at reading Hebrew) I started seeing the meaning, the objective, the joy and sorrow in them.

Then I started to respect the religion. And when I go out of my way to remark that I respect something or someone, I really do. And when you respect something, sooner or later you will start agreeing with it on some level, even if you did not when you began respecting it.

Then, I started enjoying it, of all things. Before, when I was "too cool" for it, I was just trying my hardest not to look like I was enjoying myself. That was suppressed into resentment at the time. But when I realized there was no point doing that, I began having fun. To see a group of people singing and dancing and rejoicing is quite the experience, especially when it is to a song you have been hearing frequently since you were a few weeks old. The religion is part of me, without it I would still be me but, how did I get here? I was introduced to philosophical ideas in Sunday school and I'm sure it has given me the mind I have today. I owe a lot more to the religion than I think I do sometimes.

Now, I see meaning. I look past the songs, joyful or sorrowful. I look past the stories, but do take them into account. When the rabbi tells us to close our eyes and pray or think, I do it. I do it longer than my mother does. I listen to what is being said. I analyze it and relate it to my life. I figure it's as good if not better than any other source of philosophical questioning and answers. And what is more is that what is being said I understand. I get it. And it makes sense.

I love religion that not only allows but encourages you to make your own judgment, and set your own morals and reasons. Judaism gives just enough enforcement for it to all come together in your mind with perfect ease.

I still have not have had a batmizvah, a right of passage in Judaism. I wanted to, and my brother had a barmitzvah, but my mom never made as much an initiative to make me. Maybe it's because I was supposed to make more of an attempt to do this, seeing as how it's a ceremony of me becoming an adult. But my brother didn't even want to have one, and she forced him to. Is this why? Because he didn't want to therefore she thinks I don't want to? I want to have one, I always said that. Maybe it's because she thought she needed to do it for him because he didn't like the religion as much as I did, so she knew I would continue even without it. Mainly, at the exact time, it was because we were low on money. But why do it for him and not me? I think it's one of the things I resent her for. It was held over my head by my brother for awhile and it is still held by myself. Every time I go to synagogue I remember because I do not have a talit. And everyone in our congregation gets confused because I have not yet had one, and yet I look quite older than 12. -_- That is embarrassing. It's a different kind of humiliation because they are more understanding and warm and friendly than most people are, but I am still embarrassed because they expect things of me and I expect things of myself which were not achieved.

I will have one eventually. Maybe I should make that my summer goal. I'll consider it.

Anyway, why was I saying all this? Oh yes, I wanted to talk about the High Holidays but figured I should give some background information on why it is relevant and important.

It's High Holidays!! Yay! Rosh Hashana occurred last Tuesday and Wednesday and I took the first day off from school to attend service. The Jewish new year has been my favorite holiday for a few years now, ever since that one where I actually felt cleansed, happy, spiritual after going to service. Rosh Hashana is all about thinking about the things you did wrong the past year, letting them go, and making your goals for the next year. Honestly, I didn't quite make it to philosophical and mental cleanliness or peace this year, but it made me think. And it gave me a reason to analyze what I do wrong and how I can avoid conflict with others and with myself by adapting my behavior and mindset.

WARNING TANGENT ALERT: Mindset is everything. It's one of the words I truly believe in. And it seems an odd word to decide to believe in because it is so theoretical and changing in circumstance and only relevant to one who explores their psyche. There's no way to prove it exists. But, I see it as more real than say, the word chair. A chair is only seen and processed by the mind. And depending on your mindset it may look like a chair or something completely different, right? So, why not go straight to the source and believe in the word that analyzing the very thing you are saying in the first place?!
TANGENT ENDED: RESUME FOCUS

I still have a bit of time before I can announce the spiritual awakening amount of the High Holidays this year a failure or not. This Friday, which I shall also take off from school (take that AP European History test) is Yom Kippur. I will fast all day. I kind of see this holiday as: "If Judaism didn't get to you the nice way with sweet apples and honey, it's damn as hell gonna when we starve you!" Well, it isn't as hostile as that but, you get the idea. It's my second chance. I don't think I was "in the zone" as much as I should have been last Tuesday. I was more focused on ridding my faults of the past week, as they were a little high in multitude than normal, rather than thinking about the entire year and all my tendencies.

But, Rosh Hashana was a good experience. A few weeks before service I got a call from the congregation requesting, well more like telling me, that I do "something" for the children's service. Every once in awhile they ask something on a teen to do something or another. Last year I "did" the food drive. Really all I did was make an announcement and stable some fliers to paper bags, but everyone was very thanking and complimentary. I felt a little guilty because I made sure I only had to do the minimum of work. Hey, organizers can pon off work and get the most credit. But it's also the most stressful. You aren't a worker bee, you're the queen. If you stop doing your job then the hive falls into pieces and the bear steals the honey. Alright i honestly did not mean to take that analogy so far, I deeply apologize!

Anyway, I waited until the night before (when all great ideas arise) to figure out what to do for the children's service. Being the good Jewish girl I am, I googled "Rosh Hashana songs" and picked one I recognized; the more mopey version of B'shana Haba'ah. I youtubed the song and picked out the notes on my viola. I kept the note names in notepad and when my mom came home she helped me with a passage she thought "sounded different". Now, she isn't the most on-key singer, so it took me awhile to figure out what she meant by "higher on the second note" or "di, di, di", but she knows this song well and she has an ear, so I took her word for it and tried my best. I ended up realizing I completely overlooked the key I was in, which would have helped me out in knowing what note was wrong, and felt really stupid when it was an Ab/G# all along. She was right, it was not the right melody, and I thank her for helping me with that. It was fun, as it is when we talk about the word choice in an essay I am turing in. When she is singing a song she does sing the notes correctly, but it's not as if she's a musical genius and could tell me how exactly something is off, sing happy birthday in the same key I start with or compose music, but she was as good of a help as anyone else would have been, save a musical genius.

SIDE NOTE: The notes were never "wrong". It's just that I play viola, so I am used to hearing the harmony predominantly over the melody. But seeing as how I was going to play solo, it was necessary to have the melody so that people would recognize, enjoy and understand what I was playing.

In the actual performance in front of about 15 children and their parents, a woman, who was my Sunday school teacher when I was very young, sang the translated chorus along with me and encouraged the young ones to also sing. "You will see, you will see, how good the year will be." I played OK. I should have done it a little slower to start off, because I got a little tripped up from my own letter notation of notes on notebook paper, but it was good enough. I saw a lot of awe in the kid's eyes when I finished, and it pleased me. Not to mention the endless thanks from parents and congregation members when they heard me preform or heard that I did preform.

SIDE NOTE: A lot of times I act surprised or modest when receiving thanks or getting praise. "You did such a wonderful job." "*slightly confused look* oh! oh um, thank you, the pleasure was all mine." Even if I am expecting it or would be disappointed if I did not get any, I still act that way. Why is that? I mean granted I do get it in unnecessary excess at times, but, who's to say I don't thoroughly enjoy it even so?

More to come on other things later in life...most likely later today.