well, i did it

After all of that "should i? should i not?", I finally did decide. I finally did quit the dance team. Over the next few days I expect to be hearing a lot "oh, why did you quit?" I also expect to hear that from the people whom just recently realized I was a member several months from now. I will tell them something about my grades or some such, when that was only a minor factor to my decision. I quit because I felt stressed out. It was no longer fun for me to stay at school for 12 hours a day and deal with bad directions and bad practice time communication. I really don't have enough time for homework, but the real problem is that I have no time to "be". No time to chill, no time to think, no time to do a blog post or clean my room or pursue things which will actually lead up to my future possible professions, of which dance is surely not one. I have not the talent nor the money nor the heart nor the stupidity to try to make a living off of a dance career, but I would love to continue taking occasional classes to learn technique and various genres and have fun =)

Dance team changed from a fun activity to an excessive responsibility and stress place. And with experiencing the team for a semester I am now appreciating the joys of free time and relaxation. I have time to see friends if I please, put thought into homework, and enjoy my high school career not by force or default or mental and physical strain, but by my own leisure and social and contemplative nature. I suppose I took the free time for granted, feeling I needed to have an activity. I do need activities, but with being a team member, there was no room for anything else I had the inclination to pursue or had an interest in. By comparison to being on the team, getting my homework done and feeling at peace to do things slowly and constructively is a breeze. =)

So I'm feeling good. Really really good. May be the smartest decision I ever made. It was hard doing so, feeling attached to and accepted in the team finally, but dance was never really a passion. It was mostly a slight natural advantage and inclination which I thought might be the only team sport which would bring me somewhat joy, hating exercise as I do. It was fun...and it did tone up my body quite well, but it was hard work and stressful. I am a very lazy and laid-back person.

It wasn't working for me. Only select parts of me; the parts that like exciting giddy, surroundings at competitions and the part that likes to learn, when picking up choreography. Perhaps the part that likes to perform, the part that likes to dress up prettily and have people do my hair, and obviously, the part that likes to dance. The excited, giddy me is best not shown, or should be used and expressed in different surroundings and applied more constructively and creatively to go to my benefit and not a team. I can learn anything, and perhaps this mental determination should be directed towards other skills which would help me in other ways or which would give me better grades or a better self of the self. Performing, I will have to find some way to compensate for, perhaps joining drama club or making youtube videos. I like dressing up, but I can play barbies with my boyfriend's little sister and put on make-up when I feel like it. I don't need dance team for that. And the part of me that likes dancing? There are school dances. I managed to do without it every day before I joined the team. And this energy and dancy spirit can be transmitted into my daily mannerism and movement, which makes me seem more myself, and not tired constantly. All of these substitutions, or re-substitutions shall I say, will give me more time and more joy than the team.

I'll always remember the team. I have a $130 uniform and a semester of exhaustion and peer praise to remember. I lasted this long. I won't get to "letter", being put on my résumé, but I don't care. The 4 years of Spanish and Orchestra and Math and Science and English and History will make up for my lack of sports, right?