I've always thought that quitting is never to be something to be ashamed of. If my personal drive and obligation are non-existent in something or not enough to make me want to do something, then I see no need to do it. And I don't feel bad quitting since I know that in the most important cases, I will want to go on. Sometimes I say to people or myself "Quitting is good for you." And, I honestly think that a healthy diet consists of a little quitting, a little cheating, a little bit of being scared shit-less, a little indulgence, a little depression. We need it all to feel human, and to feel like we can be human any time. An overdose of any one of those things can result in things going badly, but on the other hand, a complete absence of any one will cause mild to extreme neurosis. The cool teenage outlook on life is easy-going, half eye-lid closed, criticizing but uncaring idealism. I agree with that outlook.
BACK TO WHAT I WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO SAY
To quit or not to quit, that is the question. Or is it?
I have told some friends about my dance team dilemma. No one told me to quit. And when I suggested this option, many supported my decision, but quite a few told me not to. That this in some way, I don't exactly understand why, would let them win. I understand what they mean, even if I do quit of my own accord, for my own reasons, they will think it was them who caused this. And it will feed their idea that they can push people around.
But should I care if they think that? No. If they are making my life miserable should I stick around to attempt to change their thinking? No. I don't want to change people as much as I don't want to be changed myself. It is not my obligation, it is not my job, it is not my problem to make them good in the sense that I think. I can't change this. I tried at one point to stop acting the way I had been before and tell them what I thought. I didn't disrespect them in any outward way, but I was demanding and harsh at points. This generated resentment in some of them, respect in others, and some still didn't care. That's as far as I'm going, it was the biggest statement I was willing to make. Immediately after that incident/discussion/argument, I went back to being the way I had. Perhaps even a little quieter than usual to make a point that I have inner strength or perhaps to show that when I have a problem I will tell them, but I had no problem whatsoever with them. (This is not true, I had plenty of problems with them, I just wanted to think that I didn't.) Especially when they use the phrase "the shit". Oh god how I loathe that phrase. That phrase is the "the [total and complete] shit".
Considering performance art (staying with the team to make a statement) I am too impatient to let people notice--since by doing that, they just continue thinking of me the way they did before. Someone intruding on their territory, someone not as good as them, someone who messes with the dynamic. Well do you know what I think? I think they mess with MY dynamic. Why must I surround myself with these people?
Dance. I like to dance. That is the reason I am wavering on. I know I can dance, perhaps proving them wrong would give me a good goal, a good mindset, and prove them wrong, free to leave any time I like with that satisfaction. But I don't need to prove myself to them. I can dance elsewhere. I'm self-assured. I don't need that.
I like the image. The dance team image. I liked saying I was on the team. I looked forward to wearing the jacket. But I don't need that. If I quit, I will be specifically getting away from these kinds of people that care about people like that. But I like it for the reason that it proves I can dance at one glance rather than the fact that I am on a team with popular and good looking people like "myself". I DON'T need that part, but it never hurts to have it.
I shouldn't be on the run from things that get in my way, but it is best to surround yourself with people who make you feel best, who are good people at heart.
But I don't necessarily have to hang out with them to be on dance team. I have done it so far. *laughs self-pitying and proud* I am really that impressionable so as to become like them? *laughs appreciatively* Yes! Of course I am! But if they hate me, there is no way I could become like them. For I am not one to hate myself. Although, that is why I started wanting to quit. They were messing with my self confidence, and if they can break that on me, they can break anything. I'm scared honestly. I didn't realize before. Not of them, or what they are capable of. That is nothing. Just of what I might become and what I could believe about myself. Is my current personality worth this? Although personalities change, I don't want mine to. No one ever does. I'm good, I'll stay where I am thank you. HEY NEVER MIND they can't change me. Screw that. I'm sure there are a few people who don't hate me, some of them talk, some of them smile. It's not that bad.
Maybe I won't quit. I like the exercise, I like the jackets, I love dancing, I spent all this time and effort already on it. Am I ready to go away right before all the glory and the fun?
But then again...maybe I will. I had fun while it lasted, that's basically all I wanted, some fun. But I also wanted some friends from this. I still haven't made any good friends or remote friends on the team in all this time. And it's not supposed to take this long to make a friend, there is something seriously wrong. I don't like the idea of being secretly hated and I don't like the idea of being the outcast or the weird one or the one everyone thinks is only there because this or that. I have AP and honors classes, so lots of homework. I have friends that will need to be seen on a regular basis, and I would much rather pursue Jazz at a studio.
So continue with dance team? I still haven't talked to Coach. At practice, whenever it is, I will though. I can't continue with these doubts like I have been.
here's the team last year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jdkJAg3Xqs&feature=related
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