some things to ponder over

A usually snotty teen who talks back to la maestra and talks constantly and loudly (en inglés mind you) was being slightly more sincere than usual, but yet still got chewed out for sarcasm by la señora. I overheard her speaking to the girl behind me regarding the teacher's misconception of the connotation of her response.

She said, as if she had hit a stoke of genius, "It's weird...how like different words, when you say them, it makes them think you're sayin' it like mad or something. You know what I'm sayin'?" In her jumbled, stuttering, fragmented, discombobulated speech, she had the beginnings of a coherent thought-- a valid, thought-provoking idea. To reiterate it; word choice causes certain inflections in speech to be assumed of, regardless of what the tones actually were. The assumed inflections depend on culture, the feelings and predetermined expected attitudes of the listener towards the speaker, and the precision of the words used (whether they could have varied meanings). And because inflection has such an impact on the meaning of phrases, an entirely innocent statement can be taken as being said in a negative manner.

Language is such a delicate tool. Sticking to formulas and learned phrases are the key to learning and developing and surviving, but yet it can lead you to trouble. If you can only express an idea in one set of words, what should you do if that set of words fails to be comprehended in the correct manner or at all? What should you do if you want to describe a unique idea to another?

Language is the most useful thing on the face of this earth. It is how we communicate our ideas. What are our ideas? Some electrical waves running through some goop and flesh beneath our skulls? I don't know all the mechanics of the brain, but this seems an accurate approximation. Language makes sense of this thought, this idea, and specifies it to one core concept for everything that is said. This makes it understandable to another entirely different being whom has most likely had different experiences and learning process and rate than you, and whom has most definitely had thoughts vastly different from yours within their lifetime. And yet, we can make them think something, something that they would have not thought had we not said that, by exerting some sound waves or squiggling some characters.

And yet, as proved in this situation, it is not always as effective as we would want it to be. It is often more reliable on what is expected to be heard, what is formulaic to be said, what is able to be understood in normal setting, and exactly, specifically how it is said. Perhaps normal, conversational language gets in the way of our ability to learn "telekinetic" communication, or communicate by way of naturally obtained body language, facial expression, hand gestures, and grunts.

The fact that this girl had this idea, but could not express it very well, shows that at least to some extent, intellect and comprehension is not dependent on expression and literacy. I am quite convinced that everyone has ideas such as language and it's faults, this girl certainly did. Perhaps our raw thought is the same, which she implanted in my brain though her language, but she can simply not specify on what it is because of lack of vocabulary or understanding of her own ideas.

ESTJ

I took it again. But this time, I got a different result. I suppose I have changed.

sound documentation

Soon after waking, I had the bright idea to document my audible experiences for a day. After I realized that today was as good a day as any, I started jotting down everything that I heard. It took concentration. I had to open my ears, making sure not to discount any sound I usually ignored, tuned out, or simply did not notice. In my experiences, the quietest sounds are the most fascinating. I encourage you to try the same for a day, and perhaps attempt the same for smell, mental feelings, touch, dialogue, inner monologue, or anything else that strikes your fancy. Focus on your senses and your world will become a little most interesting. So for those who care at all, here is what my ears managed to notice and my brain managed to remember and describe for the day in almost chronological order (without repeats):

• man talking (tv)
  
• orchestral music (tv)
• commercials
• blanket rustle
• futon creak
• ceiling creaks (upstairs neighbors)
• something heavy drop upstairs
• click of mouse
• tap of fingernails against various objects
• wrist crack
• toilet flush
• running water
• coffee grinder
• cupboard shut
• plastic bag rustle
• dad cough
• dad speaks with incredulity, then enjoyment, then annoyance
• I mumble
• dishes clatter
• footsteps on tile
• footsteps on carpet
• swish of various things against other things
• refrigerator open/close
• sighs
• breathing
• knock on door
• gurgle of coffee maker
• door open/close
• bending spiral notebook
• pen scratch on paper
• scratch skin
• squeak of chair wheels
• dad mumbles
• brother speaks
• computer whir
• gulp
• pen drop on paper
• door squeak
• rattle doorknob
• light switch flip
• clang of toilet seat going down
• phssst of paper tearing
• rattle of toilet paper
• rattle of the toilet "pressy thing"*
  
• plastic cup hit with toothbrush
• mouse picked up and placed down
  
• tooth brushing
• water swishing in mouth
• brother coughs
• brother burbs quietly
• brother scratching head
• woman speaking (tv)
• paper rustle
• I/brother laugh simultaneously
  
• dad laughs
• typing
• brief low buzzing from outside (plane?)
• chair squeak
• sniff
• squeaky mouth sound
• I clear my throat
• I yawn
• swoosh/scratch of combing hair
• underwear snap
• zipper
• belt clink
• keys jingle
• suction of pen cap
  
• suction of deodorant lid
  
• sound of my love's voice =)
• chewing grape
• my love laughing =)
• my love coughing =(
• jing of metal being hit
• sizzle on the stove
• fan above stove
• mouth click
• shoulder cracking sound
• glasses fold (snap snap)
• toneful clang of pan
• toneful scrape of pan
• drip of water
• phone ring
• beep
• koosh of koosh ball
  
• locket clink
• I say "Ah! Fuck!" in distress
• I cough
• Dad whines/yells my name.
• I hum "Buffalo Soldier"
• I sing "Buffalo Soldier"
• microwave door open/shut
• microwave running
• beep of microwave
• coffee being sipped
• scratch of grape vine against strainer
  
• flipper hitting pan
• dad lecturing
• brother yelling
• dad ranting
• sliding door open/close
• woman speaking
• potatoes chewed
• shoe lace casing hitting against shoe
• car starting
• car sounds of accelerating and decelerating
  
• classical music on radio
• car doors open/close
• turning signal
• footsteps on concrete
  
• pouring water w/ ice
• car locking click and beep
• seat-belt pulled/retracted
• seat-belt click on/off
• ice rattle in paper cup with hand movement
• crunching popcorn
• movie previews
• movie: "Frozen River"
• sneeze
• cup squeak
• background talking murmur
• broom against carpet
• soap disperser dispensing
• footsteps on gravel
  
• sliding shoe on pavement
• distant whistle
• ka-chunck of stepping on manhole
• Indian man speaks in English
  
• young boy whines in specific unknown Indian language
  
• Indian music (tv)
• peeling a label
• computer start-up
• air from chair "shh"
• plastic buckles click
• skateboard on pavement
• trunk click open
• "chunck" of trunk closing
• key slid in ignition
• jazz music on radio. specifically "I can't make you love me"
• young man speaks
• shhh from distant cars on highway
  
• squawking birds
• viola strap squeak
• minor buzzing from light fixture
• floor creaks under feet
• different, louder shhh noise
• woman shushing me
• Myself singing
• snapping
• ambient music
• various rock songs
• men and women speaking Spanish (online homework)
• dishwasher click on
• pouring dry dishwasher soap
• glasses clink
• dishwasher running
• mom speaks
• voice echoing
• man speaks
• box of oranges dropped on table
• various other music from 5 star list
• mouse scrolled
• alarm clock button clicks
  

*In search of a word for the "pressy thing" on a toilet I consulted my boyfriend, Danny. I suggested "trigger", and dared for him to come up with a better word. He commented that this made going to the bathroon sound "dangerous and exciting" like a gun. To which I answered, "Isn't it already? You have a loaded gun in ur pants, Danny, gotta pull the trigger."

self portrait

No, not metaphorically, I really did attempt this in the literal sense. Sitting in front of a mirror, I spent an hour trying to sketch myself. Possibly, it says more about the way I view myself than it does how artistically talented I am. I really am a wannabe visual artist. Although I think I do have some natural talent in the matter, I rarely have the patience or overwhelming desire to spend a time fussing over lines and shadow. It's not entirely amazing...but there are aspects to my facial structure.

And with it, a picture of myself more alike to what I have drawn than any other I own.

Attempting to draw is always such an enriching experience for me. First, because or the rarity of the activity and also because of the strategy and mindset so differing from other mentally strenuous things.

When I begin to draw, I always have anxiety in a sense. I don't want to start off the sketch on the wrong foot, the wrong line, the wrong original reference point. The first line is always erased 20 times or more. Obsessive? Yes. Even moreso seeing as how that line is usually changed once the other lines around it have made it slightly askew to your new point of view.

Often, if I saw myself drawing from learned "ways to draw something" I had to snap out of it, and erase. What was I looking at? Draw what you see. I obviously struggle with realism, but it is the only way I will learn how to capture the actual appearance of things. If this mindset did not help I had to think harder about what I was looking at. What detail is it that makes this look like it curves more or sticks out more in the mirror and does not in my drawing?

I have learned these things today regarding drawing:

Draw what you see.
There are no pointed shapes in a human face, except those which are for reference.
It is best to draw a figure starting with the innermost attributes.
The spacing is always farther than you visualize, and closer than you originally aim for.

I do not think that I am one to think visually. My mental pictures are usually hazy, unless I spend a very long time examining and thinking about every detail of something while I view it. And even then, I can only remember the details, not the over-all appearance--or even worse, I can only remember how I felt while I was looking.

That's it! I (or rather the human race) remember things by way of feelings. And I suppose, if I were better artistically talented then that would lead to many Impressionistic art pieces.

well, i did it

After all of that "should i? should i not?", I finally did decide. I finally did quit the dance team. Over the next few days I expect to be hearing a lot "oh, why did you quit?" I also expect to hear that from the people whom just recently realized I was a member several months from now. I will tell them something about my grades or some such, when that was only a minor factor to my decision. I quit because I felt stressed out. It was no longer fun for me to stay at school for 12 hours a day and deal with bad directions and bad practice time communication. I really don't have enough time for homework, but the real problem is that I have no time to "be". No time to chill, no time to think, no time to do a blog post or clean my room or pursue things which will actually lead up to my future possible professions, of which dance is surely not one. I have not the talent nor the money nor the heart nor the stupidity to try to make a living off of a dance career, but I would love to continue taking occasional classes to learn technique and various genres and have fun =)

Dance team changed from a fun activity to an excessive responsibility and stress place. And with experiencing the team for a semester I am now appreciating the joys of free time and relaxation. I have time to see friends if I please, put thought into homework, and enjoy my high school career not by force or default or mental and physical strain, but by my own leisure and social and contemplative nature. I suppose I took the free time for granted, feeling I needed to have an activity. I do need activities, but with being a team member, there was no room for anything else I had the inclination to pursue or had an interest in. By comparison to being on the team, getting my homework done and feeling at peace to do things slowly and constructively is a breeze. =)

So I'm feeling good. Really really good. May be the smartest decision I ever made. It was hard doing so, feeling attached to and accepted in the team finally, but dance was never really a passion. It was mostly a slight natural advantage and inclination which I thought might be the only team sport which would bring me somewhat joy, hating exercise as I do. It was fun...and it did tone up my body quite well, but it was hard work and stressful. I am a very lazy and laid-back person.

It wasn't working for me. Only select parts of me; the parts that like exciting giddy, surroundings at competitions and the part that likes to learn, when picking up choreography. Perhaps the part that likes to perform, the part that likes to dress up prettily and have people do my hair, and obviously, the part that likes to dance. The excited, giddy me is best not shown, or should be used and expressed in different surroundings and applied more constructively and creatively to go to my benefit and not a team. I can learn anything, and perhaps this mental determination should be directed towards other skills which would help me in other ways or which would give me better grades or a better self of the self. Performing, I will have to find some way to compensate for, perhaps joining drama club or making youtube videos. I like dressing up, but I can play barbies with my boyfriend's little sister and put on make-up when I feel like it. I don't need dance team for that. And the part of me that likes dancing? There are school dances. I managed to do without it every day before I joined the team. And this energy and dancy spirit can be transmitted into my daily mannerism and movement, which makes me seem more myself, and not tired constantly. All of these substitutions, or re-substitutions shall I say, will give me more time and more joy than the team.

I'll always remember the team. I have a $130 uniform and a semester of exhaustion and peer praise to remember. I lasted this long. I won't get to "letter", being put on my résumé, but I don't care. The 4 years of Spanish and Orchestra and Math and Science and English and History will make up for my lack of sports, right?

for you, mr. taylor

With the help of my brother, I wrote this in html.

Math I have to think about more abstractly to be interested in, especially geometry. Memorizing names of different things that are obvious and logical anyway does not intrigue or impress me. Figuring out that two hypothetical triangles are congruent or similar does not interest me when I never cared in the first place. I have to think about the theory, the abstractness of it, to get any meaning at all out of the information.

This program is a statement about the first semester of my geometry class, completely composed of triangles. When I open my 800-page math book (which they expect us to bring home every day, yeah right) to a random page, 80% of the time there is a right triangle on that page. I know this is a bit hypocritical to use programming to make a statement about math, when the two are so related, but it really proves it even moreso.

(I like theories, I have a fascination with them. But when I am being forced to do labor related with the theories, and am not allowed to explore the theoretical ideas with my own interest and curiosity, then I can not "get into it", and I become easily annoyed at facts that are both obvious and new to me, for they are beaten to death. It's all about mindset. There are some times in math that I feel like blowing my brains out or sleeping, just to be able to stop listening. I can't help it, I can't not pay attention to the words teachers say, it's impossible for me.)

Anyway, my statement is that three points is space is three points in space. I don't care what their angle measures or side lengths are if they are continually changing and moving.

So measure that, sucker!!! AHAHAHAHA

a symphony experience

I need some help. Musically inclined/pursued readers of this post, give me your insight.

I went to see a symphony. A semi-professional mediocre symphony, but a symphony nonetheless, comprised of talented adults. For a few of the songs there was choral accompaniment.
I would like to know if there are vast, distinct differences in conducting techniques between different types of conductors (solely choral compared to solely orchestral or solely wind/brass/percussion.)

The reason I ask this is because the different sections of the performers seemed out of sync. Ignoring the plainly confused percussion section, the brass instruments seemed a stall behind every beat that the stringed instruments played. It seems the choir is used to excess instruction and when neglected by the conductor, also lagged somewhat. Ignoring the rushing 1st violin section with various instances of displayed differing bowing, I saw the viola section heavily influenced and overpowered by the brass instruments in the back whom were not playing with the rest of the orchestra exactly.

Also, I would like to know the basic tendencies of these three groups in comparison to each other. Do brass instruments not pay attention to tempo changes signified by the conductor, just moseying along as they listen to those around them? Do they tend to rush? What about a chorus? Are they apt to drag or rush or meld? Does being in the back of the group of performers cause the singers to not be able to pick up on tempo changes quickly enough? The orchestra? Do they slow down on most occasions or listen to each other moreso?

Maybe there is something in the way of acoustics which make one instrument or voice ring longer or be heard later which I am not accounting for because I do not know much about it. The auditorium was not completely professional and catering exactly to having the best, but I was sitting 4th row center, so my placement shouldn't have been a problem.

I suppose what I want to know is, why was this group seemingly together in sections, but almost hard to bear as I noticed their differing interpretation of the conducting. He seemed like a wonderful conductor, but why, why, did it not sound together to me?

sidenote:

For while now, I have began having a grudge against the jazz band, for they leave puddles of spit from their instruments at 0 period for the orchestra students to step on and get on their cases during 1st period. (I'm sure I have mentioned this). My running slightly obscure and moderately entertaining joke to my fellow violists and the 2nd violins is "Dang, if this keeps up I will be forced to give the band a bucket for Christmas." (Even as I am Jewish, the holiday still deserves a place in that joke as long as my audience is mostly comprised of Christians.)

Seeing as how "the holidays" have passed, I can no longer make that joke anymore and I am actually now considering doing this for real. When I told my mom about this, she made a suggestion to make this obnoxious gift idea into a practical joke: flood the band room with spit. Or maybe she said that at least it isn't as obnoxious as a practical joke as it is kind of nice in some ways, and I suggested it. I can't recall. But either way, she gave me the idea. And as the school is being moved anyway, I see no problem. It might be hard to obtain such a large quantity of spit though... all I need is enough to cover the floor. =) That will show 'em. hehehe.