well, i did it

After all of that "should i? should i not?", I finally did decide. I finally did quit the dance team. Over the next few days I expect to be hearing a lot "oh, why did you quit?" I also expect to hear that from the people whom just recently realized I was a member several months from now. I will tell them something about my grades or some such, when that was only a minor factor to my decision. I quit because I felt stressed out. It was no longer fun for me to stay at school for 12 hours a day and deal with bad directions and bad practice time communication. I really don't have enough time for homework, but the real problem is that I have no time to "be". No time to chill, no time to think, no time to do a blog post or clean my room or pursue things which will actually lead up to my future possible professions, of which dance is surely not one. I have not the talent nor the money nor the heart nor the stupidity to try to make a living off of a dance career, but I would love to continue taking occasional classes to learn technique and various genres and have fun =)

Dance team changed from a fun activity to an excessive responsibility and stress place. And with experiencing the team for a semester I am now appreciating the joys of free time and relaxation. I have time to see friends if I please, put thought into homework, and enjoy my high school career not by force or default or mental and physical strain, but by my own leisure and social and contemplative nature. I suppose I took the free time for granted, feeling I needed to have an activity. I do need activities, but with being a team member, there was no room for anything else I had the inclination to pursue or had an interest in. By comparison to being on the team, getting my homework done and feeling at peace to do things slowly and constructively is a breeze. =)

So I'm feeling good. Really really good. May be the smartest decision I ever made. It was hard doing so, feeling attached to and accepted in the team finally, but dance was never really a passion. It was mostly a slight natural advantage and inclination which I thought might be the only team sport which would bring me somewhat joy, hating exercise as I do. It was fun...and it did tone up my body quite well, but it was hard work and stressful. I am a very lazy and laid-back person.

It wasn't working for me. Only select parts of me; the parts that like exciting giddy, surroundings at competitions and the part that likes to learn, when picking up choreography. Perhaps the part that likes to perform, the part that likes to dress up prettily and have people do my hair, and obviously, the part that likes to dance. The excited, giddy me is best not shown, or should be used and expressed in different surroundings and applied more constructively and creatively to go to my benefit and not a team. I can learn anything, and perhaps this mental determination should be directed towards other skills which would help me in other ways or which would give me better grades or a better self of the self. Performing, I will have to find some way to compensate for, perhaps joining drama club or making youtube videos. I like dressing up, but I can play barbies with my boyfriend's little sister and put on make-up when I feel like it. I don't need dance team for that. And the part of me that likes dancing? There are school dances. I managed to do without it every day before I joined the team. And this energy and dancy spirit can be transmitted into my daily mannerism and movement, which makes me seem more myself, and not tired constantly. All of these substitutions, or re-substitutions shall I say, will give me more time and more joy than the team.

I'll always remember the team. I have a $130 uniform and a semester of exhaustion and peer praise to remember. I lasted this long. I won't get to "letter", being put on my résumé, but I don't care. The 4 years of Spanish and Orchestra and Math and Science and English and History will make up for my lack of sports, right?

for you, mr. taylor

With the help of my brother, I wrote this in html.

Math I have to think about more abstractly to be interested in, especially geometry. Memorizing names of different things that are obvious and logical anyway does not intrigue or impress me. Figuring out that two hypothetical triangles are congruent or similar does not interest me when I never cared in the first place. I have to think about the theory, the abstractness of it, to get any meaning at all out of the information.

This program is a statement about the first semester of my geometry class, completely composed of triangles. When I open my 800-page math book (which they expect us to bring home every day, yeah right) to a random page, 80% of the time there is a right triangle on that page. I know this is a bit hypocritical to use programming to make a statement about math, when the two are so related, but it really proves it even moreso.

(I like theories, I have a fascination with them. But when I am being forced to do labor related with the theories, and am not allowed to explore the theoretical ideas with my own interest and curiosity, then I can not "get into it", and I become easily annoyed at facts that are both obvious and new to me, for they are beaten to death. It's all about mindset. There are some times in math that I feel like blowing my brains out or sleeping, just to be able to stop listening. I can't help it, I can't not pay attention to the words teachers say, it's impossible for me.)

Anyway, my statement is that three points is space is three points in space. I don't care what their angle measures or side lengths are if they are continually changing and moving.

So measure that, sucker!!! AHAHAHAHA

a symphony experience

I need some help. Musically inclined/pursued readers of this post, give me your insight.

I went to see a symphony. A semi-professional mediocre symphony, but a symphony nonetheless, comprised of talented adults. For a few of the songs there was choral accompaniment.
I would like to know if there are vast, distinct differences in conducting techniques between different types of conductors (solely choral compared to solely orchestral or solely wind/brass/percussion.)

The reason I ask this is because the different sections of the performers seemed out of sync. Ignoring the plainly confused percussion section, the brass instruments seemed a stall behind every beat that the stringed instruments played. It seems the choir is used to excess instruction and when neglected by the conductor, also lagged somewhat. Ignoring the rushing 1st violin section with various instances of displayed differing bowing, I saw the viola section heavily influenced and overpowered by the brass instruments in the back whom were not playing with the rest of the orchestra exactly.

Also, I would like to know the basic tendencies of these three groups in comparison to each other. Do brass instruments not pay attention to tempo changes signified by the conductor, just moseying along as they listen to those around them? Do they tend to rush? What about a chorus? Are they apt to drag or rush or meld? Does being in the back of the group of performers cause the singers to not be able to pick up on tempo changes quickly enough? The orchestra? Do they slow down on most occasions or listen to each other moreso?

Maybe there is something in the way of acoustics which make one instrument or voice ring longer or be heard later which I am not accounting for because I do not know much about it. The auditorium was not completely professional and catering exactly to having the best, but I was sitting 4th row center, so my placement shouldn't have been a problem.

I suppose what I want to know is, why was this group seemingly together in sections, but almost hard to bear as I noticed their differing interpretation of the conducting. He seemed like a wonderful conductor, but why, why, did it not sound together to me?

sidenote:

For while now, I have began having a grudge against the jazz band, for they leave puddles of spit from their instruments at 0 period for the orchestra students to step on and get on their cases during 1st period. (I'm sure I have mentioned this). My running slightly obscure and moderately entertaining joke to my fellow violists and the 2nd violins is "Dang, if this keeps up I will be forced to give the band a bucket for Christmas." (Even as I am Jewish, the holiday still deserves a place in that joke as long as my audience is mostly comprised of Christians.)

Seeing as how "the holidays" have passed, I can no longer make that joke anymore and I am actually now considering doing this for real. When I told my mom about this, she made a suggestion to make this obnoxious gift idea into a practical joke: flood the band room with spit. Or maybe she said that at least it isn't as obnoxious as a practical joke as it is kind of nice in some ways, and I suggested it. I can't recall. But either way, she gave me the idea. And as the school is being moved anyway, I see no problem. It might be hard to obtain such a large quantity of spit though... all I need is enough to cover the floor. =) That will show 'em. hehehe.

why i like jazz

Jazz, I love. There is no genre of music that can replace the amazing, profound, pristine and lazy feeling I get as I listen to jazz. It is the perfect romantic, friendly, sophisticated, or relaxing background noise. It makes any normal setting seem sexy, personable, witty, perfect, peaceful. With just a slight and easily made change of mindset I can turn my full attention to anything else, and then when I choose to, change to being completely immersed and overwhelmed and into the music. It can be that main event or the reason everything seems so peachy-keen. It can take my mind off things bothering me, or it can give my thinking time about that thing a bias towards laid-back ideas and easy ways out of predicaments, and makes dramatic decisions seem meaningless and natural. It is one of the few genres that actually lessens headaches, not increase the intensity of them.

Some jazz has lyrics, some jazz does not. Lyrics are rarely the main event of the piece, and it only adds another line of melody. But, if there are lyrics in a piece, then it is most likely due and well crafted, and thus should be paid close attention to.

Jazz is my personality, or at least how I want my personality to be or how I feel my personality is at my best. If every time you meet someone new, you could have them listen to some jazz instead of actually talking to them (assuming in this alternate reality that it would be normal to listen to a song instead of having conversation or making introductions, and not rude or odd in the slightest) then wouldn't that leave the coolest impression about yourself to that person? You would walk away looking like you knew how to do everything in the most efficient and stress-free way.

I like jazz because there is never any image in my mind while I listen to to any one song. Let me explain. When I listen to rock, I might visualize the band or myself playing the music, or think about the words and have a little scene or images running through my head, to help me visualize what it is saying and what it means. When I listen to jazz, I know it doesn't matter what it means, because it can apply to so many things, so I am allowed to focus on the feeling. When I focus on the feeling it gives me, I can think about when I have had similar feelings in my life, and am I often impressed by how well they portrayed this in the music, regardless of whether it was their specific intention or not to describe a similar situation or feeling.

I also like the genre of dance for the same reasons. Seeing as how it is danced to jazz music and portrays the same feeling to the viewer as the music alone would, I still like it because it is playful and seductive and relaxing and intricate and peaceful and uncaring.

Listen to some jazz today. Stream my favorite radio station. Get lost in the feeling, take a nap with it running.

I also like jazz because saxophone players and drummers are hot. =P

maybe, maybe, maybe

If a secret wish, a classified desire, becomes a reality and one dismisses it or does not give the honor it deserves, or on a whim, rejects it, one cannot help feeling as if their original feeling down for not having this thing was severely uncalled for. It makes this person doubt if their sadness is true when it comes about on the next occasion, or if it is just another occurrence of something they truly don't want, but only take joy (or have just become accustomed to) in thinking about and theoretically wishing for.

One option is that I am too hard to please. When even my most thought of and wildest fantasies do not satisfy, perhaps even repulse me, you have to wonder if I would ever be happy.

Maybe I am just emo for the hell of it, whether or not my dreams are being fulfilled or not.

Maybe I did not know what I want in the first place.

Maybe my wishes are too real: what would I wish if given the opportunity? Most likely some kind of thing regarding someone I knew, that most likely will happen anyway even without the magic of wishes. Maybe I think too highly of simple things and assume them as so far away and imaginary so that I can have some kind of dream when really they are not that glamorous and not that hard to obtain.

Maybe the sadness is always unjustifiable. What I have wished for truly is great and I am here too afraid of my own heaven. Worried that it will be messed up, ashamed that I wanted it in the first place, self conscious about myself (not wondering how the 2nd or 3rd party would view it), afraid of commitment to my wishes (my fantasies ignoring sore facts about myself and my dislikes), and not considering everything else in my life situation before I made the idea.

Maybe I wish for things in such an unrealistic way as to never ever have it a reality, and then when I know I will not obtain it, I force myself and trick myself into settling for less, thinking it was my vague wish all along. Maybe I never specifically wished and anything remotely surprising and pleasant that happens I refer to as a dream come true.

Or MAYBE I just over-analyze everything. I do... but I swear that these are all left over "maybe" ideas, not things running through my head currently about actual options.

And no, this is not about you honey, not about you at all. Girl scout's honor.

finding the words

There are some things I would like to say, some experiences I would like to share, but I really can't. What I need to do is be able to say something, without admitting to it. Release my feelings on the matter and derive the meaning and revelation from it without obviously giving away my experiences. Why can I not tell you? I couldn't say that, for that would make it obvious.

If you find this post random and disjointed then I apologize for not being able to make it clearer. I have nothing to hide but everything to fear, and every reason to allow. Read this with careful consideration.

Who am I but me? Who is the other but themself? Who are they when they make these choices?

What is life but for living? What is love but for feeling? What are relationships but for indulging and relenting?

Where will it take me? Where will we go? Where am I but here?

Why do things happen but for the hell of it? Why is this happening but for good reasons? Why don't they know?

When will it end? When can I leave? When is the time but now?

I am not waffling or nervous as it seems I am with all these questions. Most of them are rhetorical, hints, or there just to throw you off. I'm not confused or anxious or self conscious or discombobulated or baffled. I'm not letting myself go against something I have set my mind to, nor am I doing anything or thinking about anything rash. I'm not convincing myself of something that is obviously false or true avoidable or unavoidable.

I'm simply letting my faith get the best of me... my faith that my speculated fear has no need in the current situation. I'm letting my brain catch up to my feelings and the rest of myself.

I just hope that my fear is not justified, my brain will catch up quickly, and that I can go about this with as much natural instinct and pleasantness as possible. But yes... I feel good about it. Whatever "it" is.

extended metaphor

I used to think that the pond was shallow. That all the complexity and emotional intensity people seemed to think of relationships and social situations and life decisions and tasks of the world were fake, exaggerated, unrelated to my life, and avoidable if I remained a bit more clever than the general population.

Then I stuck my foot in the pond and thought it deeper than I originally speculated. It seemed that I could be hurt when I didn't know how it was possible before. I saw that I had reason to be scared sometimes and that fear is sometimes not all fun and games. I knew how quickly lives can change dramatically, triggered from the smallest and seemingly insignificant factors. It was seen how strongly someone can feel, without even conceptually knowing the reason fully themselves. Also, the impact of life events and epiphanies on mental health and mood was obvious. The direct correlation of action and consequence and acceptance of action is more real than my younger self viewed. Possibilities seemed endless and I was taking precautions to protect my life and everything within and effecting it.

But really, the amount which I stuck in my foot was very close to it's full depth. I judged too soon and assumed it was far more complicated than it was; thinking it to be near the reaches of infinity as space is even as I only had circumstantial and brief evidence. This is not true. With knowing so little, I would be able to get by my entire life being no more stupid than others regarding my decisions and choices. Even though something could be and theoretically is as deep and expanded as space, it does not mean that the people in it are doing anything more complex or differently were they in a farther small place regarding limitations of complexity and reasoning.

Should my mindset be as if the pond is a shallow or deep?: The bottom line is that I could make the best decisions from much consideration of what the world is and how to deal with it and the idiotic people running it, or I could be one of the idiots contributing to it and enjoy the ride. God knows there is so much to learn, and a lot of it is worth knowing and discovering. But should I be hung up on knowing the reason for everything constantly? Nah, I'm just too lazy and it is too stressful. This does not mean I let my life go to shit because I think it does not matter. I care about myself as much as anyone does. I just get tired of going over the logistics of it all, if that makes sense.

Another thing: Having respect for and listening to and taking advice from people who are older than you is a valuable tool. What we are assuming when we do this is that they are you, essentially, but older. Who wouldn't want advice from themselves a few years from now? Would they not tell you how to do things more efficiently and enjoyably? We are also assuming that the world has not changed as much since they were in your situation, and that you will have the same opportunities and feelings.

These things, we can not assume. We can not assume that you are of the same social status and of the same intelligence. We cannot assume that you do not have more self control than they did or that you are psychologically different. We cannot assume that you have the same amount of determination about a specific thing, or have the same priorities and morals. People are different, and people do not want to listen to people who think they know better. Even if they do. And I hate people saying that "You don't understand yet, but you will." Because they don't know that I ever will, and they don't know that I have not yet experienced it and they do not know that I would not fully understand if they were articulate enough to describe it to me. Who cares if you "know"? You learned the hard way, I will too. Everyone does and you can't change that, and I am not going to base my life on the blind faith on something someone said that I either do not think I will be like at that age or that I respect for far different reasons than what they believe about life.

Life views are so vastly different at different stages in life and with different people that you cannot assume people are in the same position. Blanket advice does not work. Blanket advice, no one listens to.