the image

For so long it wasn't that I didn't care what people thought, but more that I didn't know or understand what people thought. Then I started caring. I don't know when I crossed this line exactly. Maybe when I stopped playing with barbies or when I got my first boyfriend. Maybe it was when someone criticized me for the first time, or when I criticized myself at first.

I have grown to have a pretty big ego. It may have happened when I started telling myself I was pretty, or when people started complimenting me. But it happened some way or another.

And through this ego and my capability to make friends rather quickly, I have come to think that, if my mind was set on it, I could fit in anywhere. I could hang out with nerds and the goths and the preps and the skaters. With the cheerleaders and the debate team and the sex-crazed boys and the honors kids. I have done all of this at one point or another. But I think that one day while I was playing yu-gi-oh in the corner with the outcasts, that the gap decided it's place and it parted. I didn't have any definite friend on the other side, it was a new school and I was just getting started. But the gap was too hard to jump and I was left on the edge of it waving.

Or at least this must have happened, because I have never had this much trouble making friends in my life. Dance team sucks.

Is it just because they are bitches?
Is it because they think I'm smart?
Is it because I dance badly?
Do they think I'm ugly?
Did they take offense to when I yelled at them and solved their problems?
Am I feeling intimidated and not going all out my awesome self to make friends?
Do I give off a weird vibe?
I mean seriously, I want to know specifically what it is.

My guess is it's the image. My personality doesn't match, I don't have the right connections, I'm a white girl with barely any hip-hop experience, and they are on the other side of my social gap. I'm not keeping up with the image. I am cute enough, I have a dancer's body, I am a quick learner, I am personable. So why am I getting hate mail?

"it is wierd that you are on the dance team and you definately stand out...in a bad way!! i'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but when one of my firends told me you were on the team, it surprised me because your really nerdy and can't dance. sorry."

"well i seen u dance (its embarrassing) and ur not evn friends with the other people on the team....u need a major makeover woman!"

"ur so ugly and nerdy"

1. these people can't even spell.
2. or construct sentences
3. or have the guts to tell me these things to my face (anonymous messages)
4. and the first person obviously wasn't on the team from context, so how would they know if I could dance?
5. and it's THEIR FAULT if I'm not friends with anyone on the team (which is not true, I have a couple people I hang with)
6. and I'm good looking...I have a better body than any of them. I don't know what they're smoking.
7. there's nothing wrong with being smart, or nerdy for that matter.
8. how the fuck would I get on the team if I couldn't dance?
9. if you wanna give me a makeover I would love one. Don't criticize if you don't want to be constructive or help me.

I was deeply hurt at first.
Then I was pissed.
Then I didn't care.
Then I wanted to quit.
But I like dancing, so screw them.