(inner?) child psycho-analysis

Looking through stuff I found this water color painting obviously from when I was younger and decided to scan it to show you.
I think the caption was a bit cut off in the scan, but hopefully the title is easily seen despite the bad penmanship of my younger self. It says "Prettier Aziza" and under that, "the butterfly is prettier". Now I have no way of knowing how old I was when I drew this, based on the handwriting I would guess somewhere between kindergarten and 3rd grade, but I'm not sure. The picture seems like a happy, normal child's artwork, but the words are concerning for obvious reasons. Did I not think I was pretty? I've seen small pictures of myself, I was the cutest little thing on the face of the earth! Is it possible that I really had a low self confidence? I know that my parents would never make me think that of myself, and that would have been the most logical place for a child to get those odd ideas, other than my brother. But that makes no sense.

This is surprising because now my self asteem is very high in most respects now, there wasn't much time in my life that I thought I was inferior. I always made friends very easily and enjoyed playing at recess with them. I suppose there was time in 1st grade where I didn't have many friends, but I don't remember thinking down on myself because of it. I don't remember blaming myself for my parent's divorce, or getting bad grades and feeling bad, or being ridiculed or insulted by the other children. But most importantly, I don't remember feeling bad about myself, it was a shock to me to find this. Maybe I blocked out the bad stuff.

I have come to know from pictures like these that are found, and a secret 1st grade diary that I found, that I was a very, very deep child. I had ideas and feelings and wrote poems and song lyrics. Also what was surprising to me was that I was well aware of both the male and female anatomy at the age of 6, and had an entire entry explaining the differences of the two. The show Friends, I think may have endused that. But this is beside the point. I know that I was capable of having an idea vastly different from another, and I also know that what I was thinking was not exactly what was written down on the page before because of lack of grammar, good spelling, and vocabulary. So maybe what I think this picture means is a misunderstanding?

If it had simply had the title, I would have thought that it was a grammatical error meaning that Aziza is pretty, as the butterfly is. Or had it only had the caption, I would have also assumed it meant the butterfly was pretty. But the two phrases together makes a very compelling argument that I genuinely thought that that butterfly was prettier than myself. But the fact that "Aziza" is not depicted in any way in the drawing makes me think that that is not the case. I know that children's thoughts are not the most logical or understandable, but I think that there would have also been a picture representing myself had this been the case. Am I right? I don't know...maybe I'm just being hopeful that I was not troubled in any way as a child. I keep thinking of myself in that way as a kid, even though I keep remembering things I was very distressed about. Self confidence problems at a litterite age I don't recall at all.

Does it even matter what I thought at that age now? Why do I care? I think most of it is the fear that there is more beneath the surface than I was aware of. Which I always knew, but still is surprising and scary to me.

Wonder about if I had known that my older self would be analyzing my art work later, at the time I painted it. Nevrmind, that would be creepy.

i told you i drew things

If you remember or recall, I said I had done some sketching back when I started blogging here. I don't think they are exceptional, but they aren't stick figures and they do remotely look like what I was trying to make them look like.

"cacanoe"

"vacant and filthy"

"do through do"

I shouldn't have folded the banana and vase picture before i scanned it, although it kind of works with the vase, like a table maybe?

I can draw the general pose of someone, but with the way I draw things, just what I see and not thinking about 3-D objects like they tell you to in art classes, if they move slightly and the fol din their shirt changes, I have to start all over. I need a manikin.

Anyway, the titles are the most fun about this. I draw the nearest object to me that is interesting enough to keep my attention and give it an arty name afterwards.

Give me your wildest and most illogical interpretation.

at the car wash (woahoohwoahoohwoahoohwoah)

Growing up in suburbia with barely anything expected of me save decent grades, with the addition of having an older brother which any hard work to be done was delegated to by my parents instead of me, I don't think I have actually done as much manual labor in one day in life than I did today. (Ooh that was a long sentence which I don't think is run-on)

Thankfully, by the time the fundraiser car wash for dance team came along, I had almost entirely healed from my soreness from the previous days. My legs kind of still hurt but it's all good.

Both days this weekend I got up to prance around on the side of the road with a sign advertising the wash to passing cars and get soaking wet in my flip-flops and short-shorts as I wash someone's car for free, hoping they'll give me something more than a 5 for the hard work. Some people went without giving any donations and some gave us a 20 without even washing their car, so I suppose it evened out.

I had some bonding time with the director and the girls on the team, hopefully I made enough friends so that I won't be alone in my tent for the camping trip next weekend.

Also, I got a little sunburned the first day. My face is still kind of pink.

oh the pain

I guess the workouts we do before dancing at dance practice has finally caught up with me. I woke up and everything hurt. Everything.
My legs, arms, butt, back, shoulders, and worst of all my neck. I tried to stretch it off, but I then realized that I was seriously strained.
I had been sore the previous day from certain aerobic exercises we did that day, and I had been a little tense so I massaged myself wherever it hurt yesterday. I'm not sure if it made it worse for today, or if it saved me even more pain, but it felt good at the time, so I'm glad I did.
I took a very slow hot bath that relaxed some muscles, but the neck and back still ache. I took some pain medication and it's probably working but I don't know how much. It was kind of distracting so I forgot to eat until 1 in the afternoon. And now I'm sitting with my back straight and a warm sweater and a cushion, trying not to move my neck in any radical way. I guess I'll just have to let it heal.

On the brighter side of things, the regular dance practice is doing wonders. I think I'll be really ripped by the end of summer.

love in complexity

I have many ideas about love. I've written essays and written endless rambling philosophical pieces never to be shared, not to mention the amount of sticky notes. You don't even want to know.

I've tried to graph it, tried to ignore it, tried to understand it, tried to explain it. It's a too vast subject to cover. But I will tell you my recent findings. And I tried to make it as understandable and clear as I could considering the fact that it came out of my scattered, relentlessly philosophical and confusing brain.

Overview:
I have always thought that it is all in your mind. Love is no outer force manipulating our lives, if you believe you are in love then you are. That's all there is to it. Then you ask "Why can't I decide to be out of love when I want to? Or decide to fall in love with someone?" A lot of times you cannot help what you think. Once the idea is in your head, you may never get it out. Sometimes your subconscious knows better than your immediate impulsion does.

Don't Believe Me:
What I have figured about love is based on a small sample taken from my life, your experiences are different, perhaps more thorough, if you don't agree then don't. Please tell me your reasoning. A lot of what I figure, I am sure, is me not wanting to admit something or get over something or understand something, and I try to find ways around it. At least it gives me temporary peace of mind.

The Theory:
There is a distinction between being in love and loving someone. It is possible to have either one without the other.

The Reasoning:
Look back at your life. If you have had the gift of believing you were in love in your life more than once then tell me this: Was the love the same? Perhaps it was for different reasons, but I want to know if it felt the same. What were the moments you thought "I love you!" In my life, I know that I have loved more than once, and they were different.

A lot of times I love THEM, the actual person, before I fall in love with them. This makes it easy, it seems like a dream come true if you begin dating them. And things run smoothly because I already have a trust, a respect, an amazing view of this person. I see no need to change them, argue with them, they are perfect (or at least as perfect as I need), I love them.

Sometimes I fall in love with them before I love them. This is more rare. It's as if I have a really good feeling about the two of us, and I haven't the slightest idea. Being in love is often mistaken for sexual pleasure or simply enjoying time with them, it's kind of hard to distinguish. Being in love I think is a figment of our imagination. That doesn't mean that it's not real. As I said, if you believe it, then it is true. Being in love is hard to occur without dating. But I think when two people meet and they "click" that it is a lesser form of being in love. It's how you know you can easily fall in love, not that you will easily love them.

If falling in love and loving someone happens simultaneously then it is amazing.

The Benefits:
It really is easier to learn to love someone if you are already in love with them.

It is easier to fall in love if you already love them.

Some Thoughts:
I feel uncomfortable telling someone I love them if I am only in love with them and not loving them. I go ahead and say it anyway, hoping that I will soon, knowing that they won't know the difference, knowing that it will make me feel good to say it. It would be a horrible guilt if I broke up with this person after telling them this because I could not learn to love them. Do I even have to love them? Isn't being in love enough if I find them agreeable? Perhaps it is better. The only thing missing is the unwavering trust and respect I have for someone I love. That can be made up with niceness and courtesy right?

Knowing that I am no longer in love with someone in a past relationship is refreshing. Just because I still like them (or love if you will) as a person, doesn't mean I am in love with them. I could never be in love with them again. Even if I still love them, which I hope deeply that I do not. That's where my philosophy fails me. It's all in my mind, but I can't change it. It's a let down of a philosophy. But so is a lot of other stuff.

The End:
Do you agree?
Can you argue?
Do tell.

movies

I watch a lot of movies. At least one a week, I average more during the summer. Sometimes one a day. And although I cannot remember all the movies I like, nor all the movies I have seen, these are my favorites of which I remember in no logical or significant order. I even threw in the occasional Disney favorites from my childhood to throw off any trend you thought you were about to see in my list. Take that.

Benny and Joon
Austin Powers (all)
V for Vendetta
Superbad
Minority Report
Cashback
Walk Hard
Memento
Across the Universe
Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Little Mermaid
Pirates of the Caribbean (all)
Paprika
Rush Hour
District B13
Toy Story
The Matrix
Donnie Darko
Sicko
This Is Spinal Tap
Moulin Rouge
Pan's Labyrinth
There Will Be Blood
The Bothersome Man
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Mirror Mask
Son of Rambow
Namesake
The Lion King
Transformers
In Bruges
Princess Bride

It seems to me that I end up liking more movies than I think I will. If I go to see a movie I will rarely hate it. Except that one movie Michael Clayton. I really hated it for some reason I can barely recall. Don't see it I beg of you.

Do we share any common favorites? =)

a twisted modern mind

I have seen my share of musicals, and a number of plays considering my age and what the normal American sees. But I rarely sit through an entire opera, the fact that the more famous ones are in Italian, a language I have trouble picking Latin roots out of, not helping. (Even with dismissing the fact that they are singing, making it all the more harder.)

While watching the opera Manon on TV, I began to grow bored. (Horrible of me, I know). And I phased in and out of attempting to read the hard to see subtitles, trying to follow the moderately entertaining story line, and focusing in on the orchestral backup. The latter of the three held my interest the best, but still yet I didn't feel the compulsion to watch the entire thing the way I was.

Don't get me wrong, it's true that I do like classical music. How could I play in a school orchestra 6 years thus far without being able to enjoy it? But it's not my forte...more of my mezzo-piano.

I make that joke too much.

Anyway, the idea dawned on me to listen to my own, more modern and much more enjoyable music in my taste, to the opera. The young girl and her boyfriend (I presume?) were singing all about how they can no longer contain themselves, the sexual attraction between them was too much to not act on. And at this point I had gotten out my mp3 player and put it on shuffle. What come on but "The Way You Like It (Sex U Up)" by L.F.O. I have no idea where I got this song, but I like it. It's a rip-off of the boy bands in the early '00s.

So anyway, I'm sure a lot of other songs could have also fit the scene. Modern music is mostly about sex, but I found the situation too funny to not let the song run. I imagined the man in the opera singing this in his grey wig and fitted Italian old-timey suit. "I wanna sex u up, I know the way you like it. Let me freak u out. Uh uh, uh uh."

I didn't want to ruin the moment so I waited until the end of the scene to laugh.