love in complexity

I have many ideas about love. I've written essays and written endless rambling philosophical pieces never to be shared, not to mention the amount of sticky notes. You don't even want to know.

I've tried to graph it, tried to ignore it, tried to understand it, tried to explain it. It's a too vast subject to cover. But I will tell you my recent findings. And I tried to make it as understandable and clear as I could considering the fact that it came out of my scattered, relentlessly philosophical and confusing brain.

Overview:
I have always thought that it is all in your mind. Love is no outer force manipulating our lives, if you believe you are in love then you are. That's all there is to it. Then you ask "Why can't I decide to be out of love when I want to? Or decide to fall in love with someone?" A lot of times you cannot help what you think. Once the idea is in your head, you may never get it out. Sometimes your subconscious knows better than your immediate impulsion does.

Don't Believe Me:
What I have figured about love is based on a small sample taken from my life, your experiences are different, perhaps more thorough, if you don't agree then don't. Please tell me your reasoning. A lot of what I figure, I am sure, is me not wanting to admit something or get over something or understand something, and I try to find ways around it. At least it gives me temporary peace of mind.

The Theory:
There is a distinction between being in love and loving someone. It is possible to have either one without the other.

The Reasoning:
Look back at your life. If you have had the gift of believing you were in love in your life more than once then tell me this: Was the love the same? Perhaps it was for different reasons, but I want to know if it felt the same. What were the moments you thought "I love you!" In my life, I know that I have loved more than once, and they were different.

A lot of times I love THEM, the actual person, before I fall in love with them. This makes it easy, it seems like a dream come true if you begin dating them. And things run smoothly because I already have a trust, a respect, an amazing view of this person. I see no need to change them, argue with them, they are perfect (or at least as perfect as I need), I love them.

Sometimes I fall in love with them before I love them. This is more rare. It's as if I have a really good feeling about the two of us, and I haven't the slightest idea. Being in love is often mistaken for sexual pleasure or simply enjoying time with them, it's kind of hard to distinguish. Being in love I think is a figment of our imagination. That doesn't mean that it's not real. As I said, if you believe it, then it is true. Being in love is hard to occur without dating. But I think when two people meet and they "click" that it is a lesser form of being in love. It's how you know you can easily fall in love, not that you will easily love them.

If falling in love and loving someone happens simultaneously then it is amazing.

The Benefits:
It really is easier to learn to love someone if you are already in love with them.

It is easier to fall in love if you already love them.

Some Thoughts:
I feel uncomfortable telling someone I love them if I am only in love with them and not loving them. I go ahead and say it anyway, hoping that I will soon, knowing that they won't know the difference, knowing that it will make me feel good to say it. It would be a horrible guilt if I broke up with this person after telling them this because I could not learn to love them. Do I even have to love them? Isn't being in love enough if I find them agreeable? Perhaps it is better. The only thing missing is the unwavering trust and respect I have for someone I love. That can be made up with niceness and courtesy right?

Knowing that I am no longer in love with someone in a past relationship is refreshing. Just because I still like them (or love if you will) as a person, doesn't mean I am in love with them. I could never be in love with them again. Even if I still love them, which I hope deeply that I do not. That's where my philosophy fails me. It's all in my mind, but I can't change it. It's a let down of a philosophy. But so is a lot of other stuff.

The End:
Do you agree?
Can you argue?
Do tell.