a wink is worth a thousand words

It was a good wink. It was a well placed wink. I have regrets about that wink. Why did I out the wink? Why oh why did I out that wink? Why did I have to laugh in his face, it was such a good wink. I wish I could wink as well as he did. I left him either thinking I was uninterested or left looking like a complete idiot, un-experienced int he winking department. And concerning that, I assure you I have had my share of winks and my share of winks received. But it is an art, and that wink, it was so perfect I didn't know what to do with it, and I hadn't had much time to think about it.

This was no "I THINK it was a wink!" Because of the winking art, he must have thought of his departing time to wink. That is the classified respectable winking time: upon last glance until an unspecified time. In place of a goodbye, from perfect eye contact from across the room. This was no virgin winker, this was no mistake.

Perhaps he was just practicing. I practice winking at people I know or briefly meet frequently, just to get some practice in. But how many Mormons do you see winking around town? You see what I mean now don't you? Why would a Mormon be winking? He liked me, wanted to say in the sliest, most discreet, most out of character, greatest, coolest way he could. He wanted to wink, and because I was unprepared, I made him look dumb to the group. And I made myself look dumb to him.

But he didn't get embarrassed. Sure, he denied it, but his eyes were still attempting the contact with me, he still wanted to get the message across. When we were sitting at the table side by side we wanted to look towards each other, but we were so close anyway it would have been too awkward for first meeting. I honestly didn't see the wink coming.

Sure, I read too much into winks and gestures and comments and looks.

A wink should go unsaid. A wink outed is a wink that has lost it's spice, lost it's mystery, infringed upon it's meaning.

You see, the eyebrow raise would have been creepy. I would have giggled and said nothing. I would have kept that to myself...I hope. The wink was too cute to go unsaid, the wink was so in character that I didn't even see it coming. The wink was the perfect end to what we knew of each other thus far, but I had to screw it up.

The fact that I care so much escapes me. Yes, he was somewhat cute and had an agreeable personality, but what does that mean? I must go through a 2 point checklist before deciding if someone is friend/boyfriend material. "Somewhat cute? check. Mostly agreeable? check." And bam, no further questions until we are dating.

I am too easy to please. That means I am either very very nice, very very horrible, very very desperate, very very indecisive, or very very lackadaisical. That's quite a large pan of what I could be. How am I supposed to figure out which of those it is?

Are my standards too low?

Am I just too likable for my own good?

And why must I think of all this while I have a boyfriend? Now I am feeling very very guilty. =(

This is perhaps the reason that pretty and popular girls develop bitchy, mean, snide personalities. To fend off the guys after them. I don't want to become that. I don't want to become one of those people who thinks they're better than other people. And even though I know I'm not, there are times when it seems like it would be beneficial to act as if I thought that.

meh...

it was a very nice wink though.