these cookies...

There's something about them. I can't quite put my finger on it.

But they are weird. They are pre-done everything except the baking step. Oatmeal raisin cookies, it's very nice, but the weird part is that flavor...

I think it's nutmeg. It's a shitload of nutmeg. I mean there was so much nutmeg I thought it was supposed to be some kind of mint or cinnamon or licorice. But...it's definitely nutmeg. I'll consult the package later to confirm.

Other than that they are delicious!

i have (a) soul

"My soul is composed of things about myself which my mind knows, but will never analyze."

What is your soul? My interpretation is that it is the core components to who you are, what you believe in, and how you would act in any given situation compared to others. So, does you soul change? No, but it adapts to what your life situation is currently. Or does it? Maybe it's the same, but you just haven't had the life experience to put more insight into it.

I'm damned if I know what I truly believe, how I truly act and why I do it. Sure I have ideas about this, my mind knows some of it, but will my mind ever analyze WHY I do these things and think these things? Maybe it will make sense generally, but it's not as if everything I believe derived from a memorable experience and epiphany.

Soul is often described as their driving force. "I've got soul." It's used by basketball players and jazz musicians, but why do they have soul? They don't know, it was never analyzed.

It's often described as something entirely linked to religion. In Christianity one's "soul" is eternally damned or ascended to heaven. Why do they have this faith of God? They don't know, it was never analyzed.

i am not in denial

I have been told that I give good advice.

But I have also been told, although not that much, that I overstep my ground on advice; that I don't know what I'm talking about yet I still give them my opinion.

Some think I do this because I feel superior to them and I think that my first instinct is more valid than theirs. Some think I do this because I am just too good a person for my own good. Is it because I feel guilty if I don't help them? Is it because I don't deal with confrontation well? Is it because I have a fear of inconveniencing people?

Regardless of why I do it, or the connotation it gives off, is it an OK thing to do?

In a lot of cases, I help people. And even if they don't like my solution at the time, they thank me for it later. In a lot of cases I really don't know what their best choice would be. But I do know most likely what I would do and I let them see their options. I know that if I did not know all my options that I would often be making the wrong choice. And if they do not see all the options they have and the possible outcomes, then I fear they will make the wrong decision. It's like I am projecting my own fear of wrong decisions onto my friends, and I use the best of my ability to help them know if they are making the wrong one. It's better to know where you made the mistake than wonder where your life went to shit.

I am a fanatic about these things. If I have a decision to make, I either completely ignore it because of my lack of time and mental stability and focus and determination to accurately and thoroughly find a solution, or I plow through it. I find every minuscule thing that could and will go wrong and I have a set plan in my head so that I may act quickly when the moment comes to proclaim or take action on my decision.

With consulting people about problems, I am often "playing psychiatrist." With close friends it is more personal, more emotional. But if I don't feel connected with the person, I become a little harsh in my statements about their options, especially if it is a defining decision in their life.

If the problem they have is more philosophical, less critical, more emotional, I usually just be contrary for the hell of it. It makes them realize that their first instinct was right or it makes them rethink their entire situation. And I realize now that this is also most likely a psychiatric technique. This method does not work with very waffling and mentally unstable people. They often get overwhelmed with the options I put before them and become more distressed. If my plan backfires on me like that, then I give them my interpretation, and it usually sounds something like a-this: "Don't worry about it for now, relax, listen to some music. If ___ happens then ____. But if not then just remember, and this is the most important part, to definitely NOT ____."

In the end I feel kind of like a teacher, wanting them to answer the question themselves. Somewhat like a lawyer, trying to convince them of what I think is the best way to go about things. A lot like a nurse, helping them recuperate And on many occasions a bit too manipulating for my taste, like a lion tamer.

I find it sickening to leave someone in the lurch, heartless to not respond, or to make them (or make them think they need to) hide their feelings and problems. I think the satisfaction of helping them isn't a big part of it. I honestly feel their pain, and if I can't bring myself to do that, not ever being in a situation remotely the same, I share their fear, and worry about them.

But I wonder, why do people come to me with problems? Do I appear comforting? Am I the only friend they have that wouldn't belittle them or hurt them? Do I encourage them to tell me too much? I'm not complaining, talking to people about their problems is one of the biggest things about me, I've been doing it since 4th grade with the girl who could not for the life of her say "no" to someone. Maybe even before that.

mental near death experience

There have only been a few times when I seriously thought, at least for a millisecond, "Oh shit, I'm gonna die." Once when I was in a river, a few times in dreams, and the first time I was about to faint.

Friday morning I was at the bus stop and the bus pulled over and people started getting on. My throat was dry and my head was woozy and there was pressure on the sides of my head and my eyesight was gradually turning to black from the bottom of my field of vision up. I bend down and start having to fight for air, maybe I was hyperventilating from the idea that I was going to faint if I didn't get some water. "Are you OK?" said the shadow next to me. "I need some water." was my response. I held out my hand somehow knowing she had some and at a close distance I could distinguish what kind of bottle it was. I took a sip, handed it back. "Do you want to go home?" "No, I'll go." was my response and I made it on the bus without falling over. My muscles had been aching since I got up 15 minutes prior, and the not being able to see thing was getting to me. I made my way to the usual place on the bus and tried to find a seat that didn't have someone in it. But it was kind of hard. I realized that this one didn't have a black blob in it and this one did, so I sat in the one without one. From the voice, I could tell it was a friend saying said "Hey Z, are you OK?" When I didn't answer, because of my lack of breath, he left me alone. I explained to him the situation the following afternoon. After a few minutes my sight was coming back and I stopped crying. By the time another friend came to sit by me I was seemingly OK.

I figure it's by dehydration, so I made sure I consumed water inbetween every class that day.

Not being able to see really is a scary thing. That is why kids are afraid of the dark and why black is considered an evil color.

If you had to choose, which would you want to keep, your vision or your hearing? Sight is vital, but sound is vital too. I think that the lack of sound would drive me mad, although my inner talking and singing would keep me company, and writing would be a lot easier if I could see. People's voices would comfort me, but the sight of them would perhaps even more. The lack of either creeps me out. I would really really really miss music. Playing it, dancing to it, composing it. But I do think I'd be pretty good at reading lips.

I don't know, it's a very hard question.

idealism

Yes, it sure does sound like me. http://www.keirsey.com/

creative impulse and whim

Do you like it?

fricking resricting

TOPIC SENTENCE!!!
CONCRETE DETAIL!!!
COMMENTARY!!!
ANOTHER COMMENTARY!!!
TRANSITION!!!
CONCRETE DETAIL!!!
COMMENTARY!!!
ANOTHER COMMENTARY!!!
CONCLUDING SENTENCE!!!

Can't these teachers just let me be? T_T I don't want to live in fear, worrying that I accidentally put a commentary before a concrete detail! I don't want to get a bad grade for connecting my ideas too much! I don't want my essay to sound boring and robotic! Are they crazy? Why the hell can't I put my thesis in the middle of the introductory paragraph and transition from one paragraph the the next in the sly way that I do? Why must the first essay of the year for the honors 10th grade English class be so nail-scraping-against a chalkboard annoying and frustrating?
In other classes I just ignored what the teacher said and it ended up being, from the common sense of how to prove my point, in the format they asked for, it not more complicated and intricate, using concepts of how to use quotes and introduce new ideas in ways they have not taught us yet. It's no big secret...i just start writing. And with trying to incorperate and make understanding of everylast one of my half baked ideas, I end up with something I am really proud of.

But he doesn't want this. He wants an essay completely format. He doesn't care if everyone has the same thesis and the same support. Just wants to make sure that everyone has it this way for the first essay. Then apparently he will work us from that, up to where quite a few of us already were, except with more understanding of how we were doing it. I respect why he is doing it, and it makes complete sense. I just think that it is going to kill my creativity. Not to even mention my flow of ideas (refer to previous post).

I can't work forwards in an essay! That's perposterous! Figure a theme and thesis to start? What? How is that even possible? I want to cram every last one of my ideas into this essay as I can about this book to make me appear as genius as possible! Therefore I need to figure the theme that ties into the most of my half baked ideas as possible, but still yet answering the prompt.

This is the solution: I just need to make sure that I either write the crappiest essay I ever have and then throw it on next time with the greatest peice of work he has ever seen to show him the format was distracting me, or, and this is the better option of the two, still yet find some way to make my essay original and amazing. But then he will think that the format is working for me -_-

It's not so much the format itself...I loooove the format! I just hate this mindset. It's the worst mindset I could have. "Ok now I need anther commentary. hmmm, the teacher said to start with 'This shows that...' So, let's see here. This shows that the character is being mean." (If you couldn't tell, that quote was said, in my mind and to my regret, was in a voice that screams mental handicap.

"you are only as good as your typing speed."

Most of one's time doing semi-creative work (not including the in-between periods of thinking to do this work) is spent translating ideas into words. If one is able to express their ideas quickly and accurately, more ideas will be able to flow, and the better their art or argument is for they have more interconnecting support.

It can be argued that recording ideas allows more ideas once you have thought of something and it has been recorded--none of your proceeding brain power used to try to remember what you have already thought. And it makes it so it is hard for you to skip vital parts in logic and make decisions based heavily on feelings rather than common sense.

But it can also be argued that the burden and slow pace of recording ideas inhibits your mental flow, and prevents some ideas from taking shape because you are pausing not to think still about your ideas, but to repeat the ideas you already had. This is basically nothing, nothing is being accomplished in this time, it is grunt work. This is what a page should do! Or some kind of modern machine equivalent! This is not a reason to restrict genius!

So until I develop the extreme mental capacity and focus to remember everything I think without recording until a later period of time, I will just have to improve my skills at thinking something different than what I am writing. Is it possible? Mwahaha!

Um, I'm not sure.

this is a statement.

"As long as one person replies yes, and one person replies no to a collective question, anything anyone else replies has already been covered."

On many occasions a teacher has asked the entirety of the classroom, "Is everyone done?" When this occurs, I look around the classroom and if I see someone obviously still working then I say, especially if they are not responding to the question, so focused on their work, "No." I directly answer the question, even if I am done myself. Not everyone is done, and that person's unfinished status should be accounted for, not drown out by 3/4 of the classroom loudly and obnoxiously saying "YES". I find it highly disrespectful and distressful for the person still working, having to fight to get their answer across.

The question in itself is horribly constructed to ask of a loud unruly crowd of teenagers. The people you are directing the intention of the inquiry is to the theoretical minority of student who are not finished. You already know that there is a large portion who are finished, hence their original question. A better mass announcement would be, "Who is not yet finished?" "Are there any still working?" "Raise your hand if you need more time."

And that's another thing. Why is it impossible for teachers to have a test without at least one statement with a question mark at the end? It is really annoying? It makes no sense? They are up talking? It is impossible to answer something like that without inferring one thing or another? It isn't a question without a question word at the beginning?

Do you see how annoying that is? I mean, I can understand doing it sometimes. Like if I was writing someone's speech or inner-monologue then it might be appropriate, because that is how people think. They say something and then they wonder if it is correct so they add the upward inflection as an afterthought. But in a test? It makes me want to fault them in the space provided instead of answering their statement. "The 100 years war effected the social development in France?" "Show how to find 'x'?" "The word skating is a gerund?" "Translate the following words to Spanish?" "Mold slime is a fungi not a protist?" It just...is one of those things that really, really annoys me.

statistics unanalyzed

"You are sooooo good!"

"Well I would hope so, I've been playing this instrument for 6 years. With the amount of time I've wasted on it, I better be good."

And it's true. My approximation is that I have played viola, in total, all my life, for 50 days or more. That is quite awhile, even though it's only about 2% of my time over the last 6 years. I'd say that about 35% of my time over the last 6 years, though it is sad to admit, has been spent sleeping or attempting to sleep. More than 14% of my time has been spent in school. And most likely 5% of it is spent doing homework. 8% of my time is spent eating or cooking. 10% of my time is spent doing other obligated stuff.

That 72% approximation of things that are unavoidable to do leave me with 28% free time. Almost 7 hours on an average day to do whatever I want. That's pretty damn good. But when I think about it, it doesn't seem much of an accomplishment to spend 2% of that playing viola. But...um the fact that I stuck with it shows that I'm determined? I just made myself look like I don't practice at all. =/

Honestly, I probably used to practice an hour a week outside of class, about the same amount I play guitar currently. But I really am practicing more now. Usually once during the school week and once during the weekend, and when I do practice it's usually for more than an hour each time now. Because when I do practice, I enjoy it. Although I enjoy it more when people aren't listening to me, or if they are listening to me they are paying their full attention and not pretending not to be listening.

Oh right. This post was not supposed to be about this! It was supposed to be about the viola itself. Excluding the people in orchestra, when someone takes out a violin or viola it people go "ooh, ahh." And I understand why they do it. When I first began playing I'm sure that's what I thought, and I still think it. Violas and violins are a prestigious, classy, fragile, expensive instrument. If someone accidentally gently bumps into my viola case they say "Oh my god I am soooo sorry!" And for awhile I didn't understand it. "That's why it's in a case, it's fine, don't worry." And really, the case works very well. As long as I have closed it, it is secure and nothing can hurt it. And if you play it so that a nice sound is heard, then people feel like they want to bow in front of you. I understand it, but it makes me laugh every time. I am definitely not the best player, I never had any private lessons, and although I have been 1st chair on many occasions, it is quite easy to do this when playing the viola. A lot of times I am amazed at myself for making such a nice B natural on the A string with my lame vibrato. Although a person experienced in the field would see something in how I could improve my technique, a person who is not would think it sounded nice because my notes are usually very in tune and I play with expression if I really like the song.

yarr

happy talk like a pirate day!

no connotation, just wondering

I am often a manipulative person. I know I am frequently this way in conversation, but I can't be too sure about otherwise. Things I ask often have double, perhaps triple meanings. I ask things just to see what someone's answer is. I say things being both sarcastic and sincere, both joking and serious, both mocking and with contemplative repetitiveness, both truthful and false, and both belittling and respectful--both in my actual understanding of what I said and in how one would interpret what it is that I said. I mislead people with my wording and expressions to get the information that I want without admitting or denying anything.

And to be frank I enjoy it. Is it that I like feeling superior? Well, that is true with everyone, so that may be some degree of it. But I don't feel that superiority is a constant life source or habit or fetish or compulsion that I depend on. It's just fun every once in awhile to see someone squirm under your control. Able to see how your slight, or radical for the matter, difference of words or gestures have a direct impact on their reaction (especially if they are outrageous). Will this lead to--dare I say it?--sadism?

It's a bit correlating to the age old resolution to make someone stop bullying or tormenting or annoying you. Stop reacting to their actions, and they will eventually lose interest in doing these things. You could argue that if people did not want me to manipulate them then they shouldn't have acted unusually confused or shocked by something normal (well at least for me) I said. For this is what usually triggers the manipulatism in that relationship. They could just stop speaking all together couldn't they? Well yes, but this view is quite biased to myself.

My reason for doing this is partially to annoy them, see their reaction; whether it be shyness or confusion or praise for my understanding of how our conversation came to be what it was. But mostly, it is because I am testing them. I am seeing if they can weasel out of my traps and wordplay and sarcasm and theoretical and suggestive and rhetorical questions and only metaphorically related comments. If they have accomplished this then it makes for a very entertaining conversation, and I have started to respect this person. In good discussion there has to be the element of knowing what the other person will say and trying to throw them off so that you are sure they do not know what you are going to say. (Unless of course it is your catch phrase or inside joke, then by all means take part in saying it to make a break from intense dialogue and make the two of you laugh.) A certain amount of familiarity to normal phrases and word order fitting to an individual is unavoidable, but you want to keep the ideas slightly obscure and taking opposite directions in ideas.

I was about to go off on a tangent about respect, but then got, quite ironically, the opposite of side-tracked. It is rare, maybe unheard of, for me to all-around respect a person. I mean how could one respect a single person in every way? It's rare that I go out of my way and think "Wow, I deeply respect this person." But when that does happen, I usually don't agree with their values or sometimes with their view of life. Sometimes I don't agree with their fashion, conversation, thought process or socializing style, but I respect it. I respect it not in the sense necessarily that I think they are good and that I would enjoy having them. I respect that what they do will bring them joy and those around them joy in their life. They know where their values lie, and really do have a reasonable and wholesome set of them, and act under those values. If they have gotten to a good place in their lives and mental state under these values then I respect the ones that they have chosen.

NOTE: Attempting confusion should only rarely involve completely unrelated content, or plainly nonsensical words or sentence structures to throw off your confusee. At that point it is no longer hilarious that you are able to confuse them, it is just cruel. If you do that, then the conversation should immediately (with a given awkward silence) there after come to a close with "I'm just messing with you!" See? I'm not too cruel, nor do I engage in this type of entertainment on a regular basis.

emo culture

Today there was a TA (teacher assistant) in my biology classroom. And I was thinking, "What the hell is wrong with this girl? She looks like she's about to cry." But she wasn't crying, or about to cry. I guess she is just severely depressed. Have we really come to a time when someone can looked obviously clinically depressed and have no one notice? Was she just having a bad day? This is what I thought originally until she started having a conversation with someone in the class. And I swear she was saying normal things, in a normal tone, and her body language was fine, but the facial expression resembled someone who is watching their child wander into a busy highway. It was completely throwing me off. I'll sure watch her more closely from now on.

"'omg' 'the' 'dance'"

Yay overuse of quotes!

I went to the first school dance of the year, and the first that I have since enrolled in this high school. And you get a guess. Will I say that it was A) fucking amazing or B) the lamest thing I ever went to place your votes now. Highlight below to reveal the answer!

A!!!!!!!!

Just messing with you, it was pretty lame. Reguadless, I did have fun at some points in the night. Of the estimated 30 people whom attended, I danced with an estimated 15 of them. So I am satisfied. A tall Asian dude who had a pretty definite style danced alone for most of the evening. I began talking with him, commenting on how he danced half the time as if he had a pain in his side and entertained him with the mime-ish and performance art category of my moves.

A slightly less tall Asian dude entertained the entirety of the dance floor with his break moves, whom I had seen trying out for dance team. And in the following practice it turned out he made the team and said he recognized me from the dance last Friday. That, I was semi-pleased with. Only semi because he didn't mention if he found my dancing good or bad, just that he recognized me. But I don't think he would have remembered me had he not specifically seen my killer and signature dance move. (Of which is amazing. I call it "energy source". Maybe I'll make a video of myself doing it and post it.)

Two senior girls I had made friends with earlier in the week were wearing skirts and dancing spaztically. They were quite entertaining so I hung out with them a good portion of the evening. But they left early so I mingled with other bad dancers, and showed off some skills to the backup friend group I had originally met at the doorway.

The DJ was semi-cool. When almost everyone from the originally small crowd had filtered out 15 minutes to the official dance ending time, he asked for a song request. I think I yelled Green Day, somehow being the first thing that came to mind, but I guess he didn't have it. Someone requested Dancing Queen by ABBA, and believe it or not he had THAT. It was quite the scene, about 5 high schoolers dancing and singing along to this song from the 70s. I'm failing to mention the teachers on the floor for a reason, halfway through the song I realized this and got slightly embarrassed at enjoying the song so much. The funniest part was that the taller Asian dude hadn't danced more than a little foot movement the previous song, not his style I guess. But he seemed to get a second whim and really happy when Dancing Queen came on. He got so into it that at the dance's end at 11, someone had to yell to him to get off the dance floor (aka the cafeteria) as he didn't notice he was the only one still there. On that note, I assume the cafeteria is used in lieu of the gym because that amount of people in such a large space would be much more embarrassing and desolate.

Another note concerning the location of the dance. In comparison to my previous school, which made a very defined prohibition of any food or drinks at the dances, there was no such rule here. I'm sure they would have gotten a complaint or two had they done so..."But...but this is the cafeteria! If I can't eat here, where CAN I eat?"

general happenings

Sorry for the vagueness of the title, usually they are more interesting and related to the post. But I am allowed one annual disorganized and unrelated entry, aren't I? I think that is justified and I won't stand here arguing about it with you! (Or am I just arguing about it with myself? I think I've been a little off all day.)

Alright, alright, I'm not quitting dance team. I'm in too deep, I get it.

Although no one was pestering me regarding that, which would theoretically justify my saying that, I felt as if I needed to clear the air, whack away this hazy green fog which I call my undecided decisions. And thus with that statement I have done so!

My writing style is getting really complicated and old-timey. lol

The "guy" came today and installed the high-speed internet. My dad was pleased at his, as well as his companies knowledge of the phonetic alphabet when he spelled something for his workmate over the phone through the code. I think I restrained myself from staring at the quite good looking man's body as he ducked under the table moreso than my brother and father would have had the "guy" been a woman. But knowing that they would have, had this been the case, I didn't deprive myself completely. Is this the result of spending time with the male gender? No, I'm not sexist. (And yes I know you did not say that, but let's run with it and assume you did.) In fact, I think I have more male friends than I do female. Wait wasn't that my point to begin with? I think I have what's called a half-baked-catch-22!

Um what else is in the news? Let's see here, brainstorming for general happenings but keeping it random and unrelated...I can't decide if I am undeniably amazing at this or so horrible that I shouldn't even try. Let's go with the latter.

And to close with a randomized quote. A quote which you must find for yourself where it is from if you really do care. It is loosely related to this post only when thought of in a general sense, but not a particular sense. So don't over-analyze or quote me on that fact.

"We're talking about the issues but we're keeping it funky."

The absentmindedness and obvious disorder of this post cannot and should not be held against me in the court of law. If so inclined to pursue your distaste for this entry by action of legal potesting then please comment with request of further explanation of my odd behavior on this evening before making any rash decisions. I am an unformally trained suidical negotiator. Anything you do or say could be skewed by me to make you have suicidal thoughts, be warned. Those responses of which I may give you shall not be quoted either. Unless you really really want to.

my comedic surface area

That's right, it's not just a side! But the volume's contents is unknown thus far.

Alright that was lame, let's move on. This Geometry class must be getting into my head...

One of the most classic, easiest and simplest ways to make a joke is to answer rhetorical questions in completely obscure and unrelated ways. "Guess what!" "You finally DID harpoon that dragon in your backyard?! I remember how you complained about it eating your dog-food." OK maybe it's not that classic, nor is it that simple for the uncreative mind or the person who does not have understanding and obscure friends like I do, or for people who cannot come up with such ingenious original out-of-the-blue ideas at every possible angle and opportunity, but for me personally it is both classic and simple. I find online chatting a much easier place to use this method of comedy to the fullest of it's capability. You don't look as stupid saying something random as in real life, and they end up feeling like the odd one out for not understanding what you are talking about. And you can spend a few seconds thinking about what to say without making it obvious that you are trying to think of something funny. As an added bonus you don't even have to worry about how to say it, so to the reader it makes it seem that you are saying it with either complete seriousness or with severe sarcasm. Either one is hilarious in this circumstance!

This bit is quite discreet, not as funny as you would like it to be, and once you have done it there is no going back. (Unless you write it in pencil, then it's another story.) To all the Middle and High Schoolers out there, this is one you will appreciate and use for many years to come. On the inside cover of most textbooks (at least where I live) you are supposed to write your name, year used, and condition in which it was issued and returned to you. This is in case you lose it and it needs to be given back to you, or there is a filing malfunction and the books have to be checked for whom it was issued to. But I don't lose my books, and a filing problem is rare so I take my chances and write other things in that space.

Issued to: In this section I find it comical to reference to something inside the textbook. If I find an omeba in the science book or an interesting picture of Queen Elizabeth in the history book then I say that it was issued to that, and give the page number.

--------------------------------------------------CONDITION---------
ISSUED TO------------------ DATE -------- ISSUED-------RETURNED

The Ant on Page Two-------no thx--------book---------still a book
The Right Triangle p. 69---the past------horrible------slightly better
Directly Behind You.--------boo!----------old------------new
n/a---------------------------n/a------------n/a-----------n/a
me---------------------------today----------yes------------yes
you, obviously--------------you tell me---ditto----------likewise

Yeah it really isn't that funny. I shouldn't have spent so much time explaining it.

Also in the way of school related comedy purely for self entertainment, is to use lots! of extra! exclamation points! and smiley face =) when doing an assignment (preferably not in English class). The teacher might think that you are enthusiastic about the material, or trying to flirt with them, or have an overly optimistic view on life, but really, you are just being severely severely sarcastic. And severe sarcasm is the best of it's kind! Sure, a little dry humor now and then in good standing is always needed and completely optimal, but severe sarcasm truly lifts my spirits. Not only does it enhance my good mood to be discreetly but still yet protesting the annoying and painfully obvious and repetitive work, but just the sights of the exclamation points and smiley faces is a mood enhancer in itself. Kind of like when you force yourself to smile, it often makes you happier instantaneously. Even though the teacher will most likely not see them, and you'll probably throw away the worksheet after it has been handed back, the second train of thought not regarding the math or history or physics, but still yet tied in and responsive to the work you are doing, makes the work a little easier to do and a little less painful to first begin it. Hell, sometimes when I finish the last problem I am so happy that I am done that the last few exclamation points are truly sincere. =)

Oh, you make it seem like I'm enjoying school! :o OK maybe a little.

Off topic: Damn...this soda isn't caffeinated!! -_-

la fiesta

Yesterday, my birthday party was quite enjoyable. I hugged and got hugged more than I can remember. The more hugs the better, as I just decided that I always might say. It didn't rain, thankfully, and the grass was soft and green. 13 people came from the 30+ I invited. Most people don't check their email, some lived far away, and others had school sports to engage in. So considering that, I think the turnout was just perfect. It was enough so that people didn't have to be doing the same thing all at once to have a sufficient amount of people, so everyone was happy in the activities they engaged in.

I baked cookies for it, and they were quite good. There was soda and chips, a cake that my best friend brought as one of her many presents. Normal party food. Once the people got there we started playing hide and go seek in the trees. The childish game with a bunch of high schoolers made everyone laugh and smile. We played Frisbee and tag, and I played hacky-sack with a crumpled-up class schedule with the two soccer fanatics I invited. I think I held my own considering their prestige in the like. And I forced the party invitees to sit in the grass and play truth or dare. I ended up somersaulting from "the tree to the trash can" as specified by my darer. I got a little dizzy, but it was manageable. Nothing got too wild with the dares, so I was happy and everyone was enjoying themselves without the usual need for outrageous things to happen at parties for immature entertainment.

I am pleased at how well everyone got along. For the most part, they were all from 2 different schools, and yet anyone talking to one another was usually from different schools. The soccer players had things (mainly soccer) in common. My best friend, and one of the first friends I made at my new school had much philosophy and mythology to discuss. I was pleased at how my brother was able to make small conversation with some of the older boys I invited quite close to his age. One of my fellow sophomores who was climbing trees previously got in to a wrestling match with a senior I invited, and he did quite well for the obvious physical advantage to the senior. It was all quite peachy-keen and everyone had a great time.

My father took me out for a steak dinner afterwards and it was quite nice. He scoffed as I asked for mine well-done, but then marvelled at the fact that he asked for his "medium, a little pink" and it was far from that, much less cooked, to fit that description. It's all good, and I got a free Sunday from the restaurant it being my birthday. I got about halfway through it until I couldn't eat another bite.

the superior of two virtues

I've always thought that quitting is never to be something to be ashamed of. If my personal drive and obligation are non-existent in something or not enough to make me want to do something, then I see no need to do it. And I don't feel bad quitting since I know that in the most important cases, I will want to go on. Sometimes I say to people or myself "Quitting is good for you." And, I honestly think that a healthy diet consists of a little quitting, a little cheating, a little bit of being scared shit-less, a little indulgence, a little depression. We need it all to feel human, and to feel like we can be human any time. An overdose of any one of those things can result in things going badly, but on the other hand, a complete absence of any one will cause mild to extreme neurosis. The cool teenage outlook on life is easy-going, half eye-lid closed, criticizing but uncaring idealism. I agree with that outlook.

BACK TO WHAT I WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO SAY

To quit or not to quit, that is the question. Or is it?

I have told some friends about my dance team dilemma. No one told me to quit. And when I suggested this option, many supported my decision, but quite a few told me not to. That this in some way, I don't exactly understand why, would let them win. I understand what they mean, even if I do quit of my own accord, for my own reasons, they will think it was them who caused this. And it will feed their idea that they can push people around.

But should I care if they think that? No. If they are making my life miserable should I stick around to attempt to change their thinking? No. I don't want to change people as much as I don't want to be changed myself. It is not my obligation, it is not my job, it is not my problem to make them good in the sense that I think. I can't change this. I tried at one point to stop acting the way I had been before and tell them what I thought. I didn't disrespect them in any outward way, but I was demanding and harsh at points. This generated resentment in some of them, respect in others, and some still didn't care. That's as far as I'm going, it was the biggest statement I was willing to make. Immediately after that incident/discussion/argument, I went back to being the way I had. Perhaps even a little quieter than usual to make a point that I have inner strength or perhaps to show that when I have a problem I will tell them, but I had no problem whatsoever with them. (This is not true, I had plenty of problems with them, I just wanted to think that I didn't.) Especially when they use the phrase "the shit". Oh god how I loathe that phrase. That phrase is the "the [total and complete] shit".

Considering performance art (staying with the team to make a statement) I am too impatient to let people notice--since by doing that, they just continue thinking of me the way they did before. Someone intruding on their territory, someone not as good as them, someone who messes with the dynamic. Well do you know what I think? I think they mess with MY dynamic. Why must I surround myself with these people?

Dance. I like to dance. That is the reason I am wavering on. I know I can dance, perhaps proving them wrong would give me a good goal, a good mindset, and prove them wrong, free to leave any time I like with that satisfaction. But I don't need to prove myself to them. I can dance elsewhere. I'm self-assured. I don't need that.

I like the image. The dance team image. I liked saying I was on the team. I looked forward to wearing the jacket. But I don't need that. If I quit, I will be specifically getting away from these kinds of people that care about people like that. But I like it for the reason that it proves I can dance at one glance rather than the fact that I am on a team with popular and good looking people like "myself". I DON'T need that part, but it never hurts to have it.

I shouldn't be on the run from things that get in my way, but it is best to surround yourself with people who make you feel best, who are good people at heart.

But I don't necessarily have to hang out with them to be on dance team. I have done it so far. *laughs self-pitying and proud* I am really that impressionable so as to become like them? *laughs appreciatively* Yes! Of course I am! But if they hate me, there is no way I could become like them. For I am not one to hate myself. Although, that is why I started wanting to quit. They were messing with my self confidence, and if they can break that on me, they can break anything. I'm scared honestly. I didn't realize before. Not of them, or what they are capable of. That is nothing. Just of what I might become and what I could believe about myself. Is my current personality worth this? Although personalities change, I don't want mine to. No one ever does. I'm good, I'll stay where I am thank you. HEY NEVER MIND they can't change me. Screw that. I'm sure there are a few people who don't hate me, some of them talk, some of them smile. It's not that bad.

Maybe I won't quit. I like the exercise, I like the jackets, I love dancing, I spent all this time and effort already on it. Am I ready to go away right before all the glory and the fun?

But then again...maybe I will. I had fun while it lasted, that's basically all I wanted, some fun. But I also wanted some friends from this. I still haven't made any good friends or remote friends on the team in all this time. And it's not supposed to take this long to make a friend, there is something seriously wrong. I don't like the idea of being secretly hated and I don't like the idea of being the outcast or the weird one or the one everyone thinks is only there because this or that. I have AP and honors classes, so lots of homework. I have friends that will need to be seen on a regular basis, and I would much rather pursue Jazz at a studio.

So continue with dance team? I still haven't talked to Coach. At practice, whenever it is, I will though. I can't continue with these doubts like I have been.

here's the team last year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jdkJAg3Xqs&feature=related

teenage rebellion

I don't need to conform myself. I don't need to look any better or act any ditsier or change my hairstyle or clothing. I don't need to do anything about this stuff. I have gotten to a place where I am comfortable with myself. I am confident. Why do they think I need to?

I don't want to be on a team that doesn't accept me.

I don't want to be on a team that hates me.

I don't want to spend a lot of my free time that I could be spending with people who enjoy time with me, with people who mutter under their breath and talk about me behind my back.

They hate people doing that to them, but they are way worse.

They are hypocritical, bitchy, superficial, stupid, over-confident, annoying, boring, badly dancing, unnecessarily criticizing teenage jerks.

I want no part of them, I just want to hang out with the people in my AP classes and go to parties and then go to college. I don't need drama, I hate it in fact. And I'm not one who says that and then purposely creates it for the excitement. I hate it, and I don't want to be in the situation where I have to defend myself constantly.

As soon as I can find coach, I'm quitting. If she can talk me out of it somehow, then great, but I'm not sure if there's much she could say that would change my mind.

I deleted all of them from my myspace account. In their world that is really important and insulting =) I expect to pay for it through more rumors and talking behind my back, but I'm expecting it. And when I get off the team, I may just do a little talking of my own about them.

some of the musical experience

I think that the most explainable musical discovery that I ever made was that 3x4=12. In the world of time signatures and counting I developed in a very intuitive way. I started in the school's orchestra 2 days a week in 4th grade on violin. In 5th I switched to viola and it changed to 3 days a week. We didn't have too much in the way of music theory besides a one-hour class once a week throughout elementary school. And what we learned about music in there was learned but didn't "click" in the minds of the students the way that is optimal.

After playing an instrument for years, I started revisiting the same basic theories that had been presented to me for years. And they made perfect sense. I realized things about counting a 4/4 time signature in triplets, making it seem as if in 3/4. And counting 1-4 only on the down beat of a 3/4 song to make it seem as if in 4/4. Then other time signatures made sense, and rhythms were able to make out without hearing it first. All of this happened so quickly because I knew all of this before, from the total immersion of music, I just didn't know exactly how to explain it in musical terms. With being able to do that, it let my mind know that I understood things. I had been so young that I didn't realize how I was learning all these things. The words made to describe what I already knew "clicked" very fast. Musical immersion at a younger age makes it so much easier, for I think that notes and pitch are something that is much harder to be learnt through literal meaning than through cognitive understanding. There is no word for a note other than higher and lower. Later in life it hard to understand the raw thought first, and the words describing it secondarily. For as we get older, we have such a beleif in our language and our surroundings that we rely on the fact that the words will tell us, and the commonality of human minds will make it so that decifering what these words really mean will be easily done.

For the longest time I didn't know what the names of the notes were. I knew the string names just from the repetition of my teachers refering to them, but for the msot part I just corrolated where the dot was on the staff to where I put my finger down. Honestly, I didn't know that a low 3rd finger on the G string was a C natural (hands down without hesitation) until about a year ago. But with adding a literal piece of information (the note name) to this highly responsive and automatic corrolation of notation and action, it changed the way I thought about music--or rather, it made me think about music for the first time.

Because of this, when I listen to classical music, sometimes I have to force myself to listen to it rather than thinking about the dynamics and tone and timing. When listening to rock and pop since being classically immersed, I find myself able to focus on the harmonies, bass line, and rythem. Sometimes I find myself having a deep respect for the melody of the lyrics. But most of all, I love how I can just listen to music. Aware of the count it's on if asked at any one point, understanding why I like the harmony, and interpreting the lyrics. I find that I enjoy songs for years if it has an interesting verse melody, but I get tired of it fast if the only good thing about the song is the semi-catchy chorus and a hook or two.

thought: all notes are the same. The same song can be started on any note, and still be recognized.
related bragging: With my eyes closed, and not using the black keys for reference my feel, I can tell, by tone, which keys on a piano are C. It helps if the piano is tuned.
unrelated yet corresponding thought: all colors are the same.

All about that for now, more later.